Baby Steps

There are many things that go through my head in this final year here.

Many things that linger at the edges of my brain, like uncertain, unsorted issues that dance at the edge of my consciousness, of things that have no resolution, of future uncertainties.

In many ways, this is the end of a path and the beginning of another, and the thought of that beginning anew scares me. 

Part of me doesn't know how to leave, how to say goodbye to this existence that has made me who I am. 

Part of me is reluctant starting on this new path, knowing the challenges that I'll have to take and wondering if I will be able to cope with those challenges.

Part of me is hopeful and excited, wanting to embrace this change.

There have been so many changes this year that I've been rocked out of my wonderfully idyll, transient existence, happily entrenched in my perceived identity here, and those changes have rocked me as I've had to adjust slowly to this new independence, to this feeling of living away from the close-knit networks that have been part of my life for so long.

In so many ways, it feels stranger, and more alien, and more alone, to be branching out like this after the past years - in this country, rather than at home.

It's convinced me that I am no longer as adaptable as I once was, especially when it feels that I no longer know who I am.

Take away someone's core, someone's values, and they cease to function the way they normally would.

At the moment, baby steps must suffice.