Miss Aida
We were talking about lessons and losses. 

We came from the same background, from the same area - and I always assumed that we would have similar vices, similar turbulences. 

It was the obvious shock in his face, in his eyes when I told him about my struggle in the early parts of last year, and despite the story being told and retold over and over again, I was still surprised at the lump in my throat and the tears stinging my eyes. 

I have still not forgiven myself. 

"It's okay," he said. "It's a reminder to you, to become stronger - and a reminder to me to choose the paths I may be able to avoid." 

And it was the first time that I had thought that my pain could also serve as a warning to others.
Miss Aida
Miss Aida
One week ago, I drove back from the clinic. 

On my way back, as I drove around a bend, a motorcyclist cut in front of me and as I slammed the brakes on my car, somehow physics caused the car to spin. 

I remember at the moment realizing I was going to get into an accident. How I braced myself for the impact. I expected to crash at the side of the road. 

I did not expect to find myself hurtling through the air, thanking God that I was fastidious about putting my seatbelt on, realizing that my car was doing a backflip. I remember seeing everything is slow motion, seeing the window shatter as the car hit the side, feeling the roof of my car crunch above my head as I ducked to avoid any shattering glass. 

Moments of horror. 

Then silence. 

Silence as I reassessed everything, realized that I was surprisingly unharmed, save some soft tissue bruising and the pounding of my heart in my ears. Realising I was hanging from the ceiling of a car that had somehow been overturned and was now on the opposite side of the road at a very sharp corner and I would possibly get hit again if I didn’t get out immediately. Somehow I managed to undo my seatbelt and drop out of my seat, somehow managed to crawl out of my car. 

It was surreal. 

I sent my silent thanks to God, who must have had other plans for me. Looking at my car, I was surprised how unhurt I was, how lucky I was that that road, which usually had heavy traffic during this very time at peak hour, was somehow unscathed by the whole episode. 

I called my dad, shocked and stunned from the impact. My dad turned up with my sister and brother in law. My best friend, whom I was enroute to meet, made her way there within minutes. The outpouring from friends, from concerned calls and well wishes was overwhelming. 

But you, it felt, observed the social niceties no more than what was needed. You showed no more concern that you would a stranger that you had heard the story from. You even said it was due to the way I drive. 

I knew then that love was dead. That the words you said were false, that life moved on. 

And I was strangely liberated in the thought, surrounded by those who loved me, who cried for me, who had held out their hands in support and held me in their embrace. I had stared death in the face and I knew that God too loved me, despite whatever imperfections and wrongs I’d done. 

Life moved on. 

And thank you all.

My car overturned!
Miss Aida
Miss Aida
Some things are beyond planning.
And life doesn't always turn out as planned.
You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for a failed business venture.
You don't plan for an adulterous husband or a wife who wants you out of her life.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world.
You plan to be happy.
You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.
Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger.
True, we cannot choose the burdens that God wishes us to carry, but we can carry that cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, God allows pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, God allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans, but understand that we live by God's grace.
Miss Aida
She counted the days with her fingers, frantically thinking about the last time she had her period. 

Damn. 

She was late. 

She assumed the vomiting had just been due to the bad food she’d eaten. The routine round of gastro on the odd occasion. It wasn’t until a friend had jokingly made that comment, “Maybe you’re pregnant.”, not until then when it had triggered that thought in her head. 

The two blue lines on the pregnancy test stared back at her. Nothing quite pee on a stick to change things. Somehow the whole world had changed, spun off its axis. 

She took a deep breath to steady herself and stared again at the stick, hoping that somehow, that one extra line would fade away, that she was just having double vision. 

She never quite planned to get pregnant so early in her life, in the peak of her career. There were promotions to look forward to, places to go, people to meet. A child and a family hadn’t been very heavily featured in her plans at all. 

It was strange, looking at herself in the mirror, knowing that something about her had changed. She looked exactly the same, the same pale skin, the same dark hair, the same body. Not even a hint of a bump. 

And yet, somehow it felt different. Somehow, there was something growing inside of her. Soon a heart would beat. Soon, arms and feet would form. Soon, it would start resembling something humanoid. There was almost something magic in the thought, and as she splayed her fingers on her abdomen, she thought, soon I’ll be able to feel it kick. 

She was surprised at the thought. Surprised that she wanted to feel it kick. Surprised that she could imagine her once toned body swelling with the weight of pregnancy.

“You know you can’t keep it right?” Her boyfriend stood by the door, watching her. 

“Of course I won’t,” she snapped. "Don't be crazy."

She tossed the stick in the trash, pretending she didn’t care, but part of her died, like the momentary flickering fantasy of a family that she could have had.
Miss Aida
Miss Aida
Obesity is turning into a bit of an epidemic, even in our sunny shores of Malaysia. 

What's scary is the fact that we've become so immune to things that we've accepted it as part and parcel of our lives - but it's not something that should be accepted so readily. Weight is something that goes beyond personal constructs, something that goes far beyond the superficial aspect of appearance. 

I find it disturbing that so many of my friends are in their mid-twenties and already overweight, or obese. Many become complacent, blame it on work, lead unhealthy lifestyles and do not exercise - and then query why they're overweight! 

It's not acceptable. 

Being obese puts an individual at higher risk of many diseases that can very well be preventable or at least well controlled - hypertension, diabetes, hypercholesterolemia, and an increased risk of heart attacks. 

No one expects you to look like the Next Top Model, but in the very least, please aim so that your body mass index (BMI) is within a healthy range. 

Let's do a test - calculate your BMI (your weight in kilograms divided by your height in metres squared), or you can just use one of those online calculators that seem to be floating around in cyberspace. 

While there are limitations to using BMI as a guide for a healthy weight, it's a reasonable guide for your weight. If your BMI falls below 18, or above 25, you should be concerned. 

We should take time out to evaluate where we are in our lives, and the little steps we can make towards better health habits. 

After all, I'm sure no one wants to get a heart attack in their 30s. :)
Miss Aida
You don't know me and I don't know you.

But I know somehow, my heart beats for you. It beats in time with the rhythm of your heart, as steady as a pacemaker, and it will continue to beat steadily even as your heartbeat increases. My heartbeat will be as steady as my feelings are resolute, will keep the timing going as long as we are.

I don’t know you, but my heart does.

My heart is waiting to beat again.