Hello and Goodbye

Dear you,

Once upon a time I wrote you a letter. I wrote of the two of us, of love, of friendship. I wrote of my hopes and dreams, and I sealed it away and never told anyone about it. This time again, I write to you, but never would I have dreamed that I would be writing such words.

Every beginning comes to an end, and I guess I never realized the story of us would be over so fast. It’s been three wonderful years, perhaps a little bit more, and I think I’ve experienced more in these three years than I ever could have otherwise.

Perhaps I’m not the right person for you, and you for me, but I believe things happened the way they did for a reason. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life, and the past two months have been like hell unleashed because of it. My relationship with my loved ones suffered because of my inability to accept my waning feelings, and I don’t know whether things will ever be the same again.

You never deserved this, and I never did this to hurt you. It’s ironic that the best decision is sometimes the most hurtful one. I am sorry to be the one to have broken your heart, and even more sorry the way it happened.

If I could have done otherwise, we would have had five less days together. You say you never meant what you said, but those words closed my heart to you, and I don’t know why. Breaking point, they call it. I wish I had the courage to tell you that I already made a decision, but I didn’t, and things turned out like a fucking soap opera.

Some will say the distance, some will blame other people, and some will point fingers at our spontaneous decision to do what we did.

I know you know the truth, behind all the opinions and thoughts of others, for you know what I told you and you know my feelings. I feel like glass, and the past months I’ve been more vulnerable than I realized. It is a relief to not have to pretend anymore.

I’m sorry for all those things I could not say then.

I’m sorry I can no longer love you the way you want me to.

Maybe we aren’t meant for each other, and maybe we are, but not as the people we are now. Not me, in any case, being as broken as I am, and you deserve someone whole and a lot less confused. I can only pick up the pieces of me and start the progress of putting myself back together, but I cannot have you there and suffer while I cut you again and again in this process.

Thank you for those beautiful moments. You always made me feel loved, and in some ways you made me realize my strengths and weaknesses and that helped me grow. Thank you for the times when you held me and laughed with me and cried with me. I can only hope you find happiness with another, someone who is whole and not broken. Thank you for those words you told me when you left. You will always be an important part of my life, and thank you for understanding.

Most of all, thank you for still being my friend.

Today as I write this, I realize how much I miss you, but I cannot tell if I am missing the familiarity, or the memory of you, rather than you yourself.

In two weeks, we’ve become more distant, and I am thankful that in the least we are able to sit and talk civilly. I hope that perhaps in time, civility will turn into genuine friendship, and perhaps we can let go of our pasts and move on to a new future.

“We’re not too bad now, are we?” you managed to say, smiling, even though I knew it was painful for you.

Here’s looking at you.

I don’t know how to express how sorry I am.