Miss Aida
“Don’t play with fire,” he said.

I don’t think he realized I wanted to get burnt.

“I’ve failed,” he said.

How could I explain to him that he hadn’t, he just couldn’t protect myself from me?

I’m so sorry.

****

My ego, my arrogance, my independence.

The overwhelming independence, things I thought were my strengths but turned out otherwise.

I seem to bring a lot of pain to the people around me. What started out as something I had to do for myself has ricocheted off those I love the most, and it is not me bleeding, it is them.

Poor bleeding hearts.

Even more so because they cannot understand why I did what I did, and I cannot seem to make them understand.

How can I say that I needed to do this for something far deeper than I can ever explain? I love all of you, but I cannot make you see the way I do. All of you see the world differently, and I have somehow donned a different pair of glasses that skews my vision, and I walk that different path.

All except the two of you.

I knew about you the moment I broke the news, and my eyes met yours, and from your reaction I knew we shared the same way of thinking.

You, I always suspected, but you were always openly mysterious. But you gave me good advice, and I enjoyed that conversation. I doubt we will ever see each other the same way again.

Two, but only two, out of the many I love.

I cannot describe how sore my eyes are from the tears, the unhappiness I feel when I think about the hurt I’ve caused all of you. I cannot find the words to word my apologies, cannot convey my sincerity in telling you I never meant to hurt anyone.

Truly.

I was stupid for not taking the feelings of others in consideration. I am the idiot who did what I did, for those reasons that you will never understand.

This was the very first time in my life I have ever felt regret.

And now I know what it feels like, and I never want to feel regret again.
9 Responses

  1. Its funny how people misinterpret your actions.

    But at the end of the day, those who truly know you for who you are would understand your actions.

    We are different people.

    You'll be fine. Chins up.


  2. Kishie Says:

    i hope ur feeling better :( different people different justification. thats why some people supported hitler.



  3. You have your reasons, likewise I guess they have theirs.

    Love you la makcik.
    Warm hugs.


  4. ben Says:

    you think you bring pain. but the happiness you have brought others is far more than even you can imagine.

    I'm here if you need to talk.


  5. dania Says:

    Sometimes.....

    time is all you need to understand life as it unfolds in front of your eyes.

    For now, it could be a regret. For now it is also something you can learn from to be better.

    Later on, regret will transform into something else; hopefully something better.


  6. the world never understands how the other functions, and one perhaps will never get the other..

    it'll pass. :)



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