Apology

“Don’t play with fire,” he said.

I don’t think he realized I wanted to get burnt.

“I’ve failed,” he said.

How could I explain to him that he hadn’t, he just couldn’t protect myself from me?

I’m so sorry.

****

My ego, my arrogance, my independence.

The overwhelming independence, things I thought were my strengths but turned out otherwise.

I seem to bring a lot of pain to the people around me. What started out as something I had to do for myself has ricocheted off those I love the most, and it is not me bleeding, it is them.

Poor bleeding hearts.

Even more so because they cannot understand why I did what I did, and I cannot seem to make them understand.

How can I say that I needed to do this for something far deeper than I can ever explain? I love all of you, but I cannot make you see the way I do. All of you see the world differently, and I have somehow donned a different pair of glasses that skews my vision, and I walk that different path.

All except the two of you.

I knew about you the moment I broke the news, and my eyes met yours, and from your reaction I knew we shared the same way of thinking.

You, I always suspected, but you were always openly mysterious. But you gave me good advice, and I enjoyed that conversation. I doubt we will ever see each other the same way again.

Two, but only two, out of the many I love.

I cannot describe how sore my eyes are from the tears, the unhappiness I feel when I think about the hurt I’ve caused all of you. I cannot find the words to word my apologies, cannot convey my sincerity in telling you I never meant to hurt anyone.

Truly.

I was stupid for not taking the feelings of others in consideration. I am the idiot who did what I did, for those reasons that you will never understand.

This was the very first time in my life I have ever felt regret.

And now I know what it feels like, and I never want to feel regret again.