Apology

“Don’t play with fire,” he said.

I don’t think he realized I wanted to get burnt.

“I’ve failed,” he said.

How could I explain to him that he hadn’t, he just couldn’t protect myself from me?

I’m so sorry.

****

My ego, my arrogance, my independence.

The overwhelming independence, things I thought were my strengths but turned out otherwise.

I seem to bring a lot of pain to the people around me. What started out as something I had to do for myself has ricocheted off those I love the most, and it is not me bleeding, it is them.

Poor bleeding hearts.

Even more so because they cannot understand why I did what I did, and I cannot seem to make them understand.

How can I say that I needed to do this for something far deeper than I can ever explain? I love all of you, but I cannot make you see the way I do. All of you see the world differently, and I have somehow donned a different pair of glasses that skews my vision, and I walk that different path.

All except the two of you.

I knew about you the moment I broke the news, and my eyes met yours, and from your reaction I knew we shared the same way of thinking.

You, I always suspected, but you were always openly mysterious. But you gave me good advice, and I enjoyed that conversation. I doubt we will ever see each other the same way again.

Two, but only two, out of the many I love.

I cannot describe how sore my eyes are from the tears, the unhappiness I feel when I think about the hurt I’ve caused all of you. I cannot find the words to word my apologies, cannot convey my sincerity in telling you I never meant to hurt anyone.

Truly.

I was stupid for not taking the feelings of others in consideration. I am the idiot who did what I did, for those reasons that you will never understand.

This was the very first time in my life I have ever felt regret.

And now I know what it feels like, and I never want to feel regret again.

Bodoh

Bodoh.

Kebelakangan ini ku sering menggunakan perkataan itu.

Ku tidak bermaksud menggunakan perkataan itu sebagai kutukan atau sindiran, malahan ku sering mengatakan bodoh sambil tersenyum.

Ku tak tahu mengapa.

Mungkin ku terlalu suka perkataan tersebut.

Perkataan tersebut seolah-olah menjadi satu cara kumerahsiakan kasihku terhadap mereka di sekelilingku, terutama sekali apabila ku tujukan kepada rakan-rakan tertentu. Kadang-kala, perasaan sayang terhadap rakan-rakan di sekelilingku tidak dapat diberitahu secara terus terang.

Ada antara rakan-rakanku yang menggunakan perkataan cela sebagai perkataan kasih sayang. Ku rasa ku juga telah terikut-ikut cara mereka.

Bodoh lah.

Four Hims

Late nights, long conversations.

He had his crush, across the ocean. I liked the thought of him with the other girl, strange as it sounded. I wanted him to enjoy himself, to enjoy company and other women, to learn about human nature in all its different shapes and forms.

I loved him, but perhaps it was in my nature to share. Or perhaps no one really understood how my mind worked. Perhaps not even me.

As long as he was honest with me.

I was with another him, one late night, when he laughingly told me about his feelings, once upon a time. He told me he had a slight crush on me, once upon a time.

I laughed, in disbelief and amusement, and perhaps, a little bit of tenderness. I remember the time, remember it because at the time I had no idea what to say to him. He was almost a stranger, for I had assumed we had nothing in common, and nothing to talk about.

Time had shown me otherwise, and we had been honest with each other, and our strange friendship was forged from that honesty.

Strange times, how strange how things had turned out.

I secretly admired the other him, the him who had followed his heart and taken life by the horns. I admired him more for the challenges he had overcome, for I too was going through a phase in my life where I could not explain to anyone else, for no one else understood.

He didn’t understand, but he seemed to see a part of me that I could not see, and it was a different perspective indeed. I laughed when he told me I was soft spoken, but he seemed to mean it, and it surprised me he saw me that way.

How unusual, the different ways people see you.

I was relieved at the conversation with the understanding him, relief that I was not the only one going through what I went through. He was the only one I didn’t have to explain myself to. He was there when I didn’t expect it, and I appreciate it so much.

We share the same darkness, you and I. Perhaps. Different, and yet not so much.

The relief is overwhelming that I am not alone in the way I am.