Four Hims

Late nights, long conversations.

He had his crush, across the ocean. I liked the thought of him with the other girl, strange as it sounded. I wanted him to enjoy himself, to enjoy company and other women, to learn about human nature in all its different shapes and forms.

I loved him, but perhaps it was in my nature to share. Or perhaps no one really understood how my mind worked. Perhaps not even me.

As long as he was honest with me.

I was with another him, one late night, when he laughingly told me about his feelings, once upon a time. He told me he had a slight crush on me, once upon a time.

I laughed, in disbelief and amusement, and perhaps, a little bit of tenderness. I remember the time, remember it because at the time I had no idea what to say to him. He was almost a stranger, for I had assumed we had nothing in common, and nothing to talk about.

Time had shown me otherwise, and we had been honest with each other, and our strange friendship was forged from that honesty.

Strange times, how strange how things had turned out.

I secretly admired the other him, the him who had followed his heart and taken life by the horns. I admired him more for the challenges he had overcome, for I too was going through a phase in my life where I could not explain to anyone else, for no one else understood.

He didn’t understand, but he seemed to see a part of me that I could not see, and it was a different perspective indeed. I laughed when he told me I was soft spoken, but he seemed to mean it, and it surprised me he saw me that way.

How unusual, the different ways people see you.

I was relieved at the conversation with the understanding him, relief that I was not the only one going through what I went through. He was the only one I didn’t have to explain myself to. He was there when I didn’t expect it, and I appreciate it so much.

We share the same darkness, you and I. Perhaps. Different, and yet not so much.

The relief is overwhelming that I am not alone in the way I am.