Miss Aida
It is happening to me again.

It comes and goes with the seasons, and it always springs up on me. Always gradual, in my unsuspecting moments, and one day I wake up and realize what has happened. And I am always surprised, even though I suppose it should have happened enough times for me to be used to it, but I always am.

It is oh so subtle, but the changes are there.

These changes, I know them like the back of my hand.

It is the moodiness. The apathy. The lack of motivation. I find myself growing reclusive, withdrawing into my physical shell.

The reclusion is the first thing I notice, the need to retreat into the barriers in my mind. I withdraw to the shadows. I make excuses for not going out, not seeing friends.

I deliberately seem to shut friends out, feeling more like an observer than an active participant. All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players. William Shakespeare has never hit so close to home to my feelings. I feel like an actress on a stage, with a smile plastered on, and it seems so artificial. I hide behind the mask of a smile and imaginary barriers of a wall. I go through the motions of reaching out half heartedly, and I wonder if there is any means of clawing out of this pit I have dug myself into.

Everyone has a dirty little secret.

Or maybe not so dirty. But a secret nonetheless. A secret locked away from the world, hidden from external view, hidden deep inside. A secret pushed away to the dark recesses of the mind in hopes that it will never surface.

Mine is this season. It comes and goes in a rhythm I am aware of but do not quite comprehend, and it is a season where I usually grow further away from the people I love. And for those who may wonder if I am indeed, becoming less open, and seem to be 'oh so busy' (a convenient excuse indeed), be assured that I have not stopped caring, but instead am caught in a behavioural pattern that I do not know how to break out of.

That I just don't know how.

This is my dirty little secret.

I have clinical depression.
11 Responses
  1. I'm having the same problem.
    Tell me when you find a solution.

  2. *hugs*

    we all have our moments. i hope you'll feel better soon.

  3. SeCrEt WaS nEvEr DiRtY bUt RaThEr PrIvAtE. tHeRe ArE tHiNgS mEaNt fOr PuBlIc & cErTAiNlY tHeRe ThInG mEanT jUsT fOr OuRsELvEs. LiFe Is A cOnStAnT sTrUgGLE aNd I hAvE fAiTh In YoU .tRuSt Me , LiFe Is InDeED a BlEsSInG! lArIkKKkKKkK!

  4. Ruth Says:

    thanks for still caring and reaching out despite not feeling like it. thanks for the hug on your way out from 303 that day. small gesture, but not insignificant - and much appreciated. :) *hugs*

  5. I'll let you in on a lil secret.
    Dreamweaver is loosely based on true stories of my childhood.

    Significant memories.

  6. Tash A Says:

    As many moods as the ocean, ever-changing; as the depths of the sea, unfathomable...

    ...and LOL at neowakko :)

  7. Anonymous Says:

    secrets secrets how u so small. as honesty grows bigger, no room for small. at all.

    i'm ur melbourne bus driver, love. u said my face was wut? i thought u would've thought i looked like sean connery..

  8. No intrusion there. I'd rather have people i don't know read it than people i do.

    Oh and don't go! You're almost the only reader of Dreamweaver.

  9. its nice to have 'some' dirty lil secrets

  10. SHaQ Says:

    i go to through the same phase as you do aida but mine is always in July (for personal reason i wouldnt wanna discuss).

    but hey, sometimes u're up sometimes u're down. it's how u deal with the "secret" is what matters...and urs is by putting a facade. and when the time comes for u to be urself again, the wall will crumbles.

    happy ramadhan aida :)

  11. Aliaa Says:

    I know exactly how you feel. Nothing specific has to happen but you keep sliding down the trough of your emotions anyway.

    It'll pass.

    Btw, I quoted that very same Shakespeare line too once. Fitting, isn't it?

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