“I thought I was invincible, y’know? It’s the poison of youth, it tricks you into thinking that nothing can harm you.”
“I had to try absolutely everything, everything in the world that was offered to me, and I suppose part of that was the dark side of the world.”
“Yeah, nothing wrong with a little experimenting.”
“Sure, I was careful. Careful that I didn’t get into anything that was blatantly wrong, but those grey areas – the grey areas that no one ever explains – those were the things that I thrived on.”
“I enjoyed living with the shadows, surrounded by people who were rampantly having sex, and drinking and doing drugs. Absolutely. Not that I did any of that, mind you. But nothing wrong with a bit of partying.”
“Well, maybe some drugs. Stuff that I made sure didn’t have any huge lasting side effects. You can’t say you know what it’s all about when you’ve never tried it.”
“The point is, it was like living in another world. A world of decadence, sheltered by the veneer of civil society. But I knew the ugly side of what lay beneath. I knew what happened when the sun went down and these beautiful, upstanding citizens peeled off their masks and showed their true veneers.”
“Bloody hell, it was interesting as.”
“The thing was, I always enjoyed rebelling against authority. Rules were made to be broken, I suppose. A bit of a rebel child. That’s when I started doing things, that, well… Perhaps weren’t as accepted in society.”
“I was angry. Perhaps at God as well. And goodness knows why. I guess I just wanted to see what would happen if I did what I did.”
“I wanted to see what it was like if I stopped being the golden child.”
“Call it a bit of a test.”
“It was interesting. Y’ know what was the most interesting bit?”
“People never believed me.”
“I was the golden child for so long I got away with absolute bloody murder, I tell you, and no one believed that angelic little me could possibly be behind all that.”
“No, it’s all rumours, they told me. We know better.”
“And they would smile and nod. And I would smile and nod as well, but inside I would laugh.”
“No, I never did it to hurt anyone. I’m an observer, you see.”
“Action and reaction, and that sort of thing.”
“I grew out of it. Basically because I knew I was starting to venture into things that were a little too dark for my liking.”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong. The whole sex, drugs and rock and roll thing, that was a blast.”
“But you just outgrow, that sort of thing, y’know?”
“Part of me grew up very fast back then. From an innocent sheltered background, to those days. It was pretty interesting.”
“Now?”
“Well, I can’t lie. It was fun, and I would have done it all over again. Part of my craves for those days of decadence and freedom. Every now and again I taste it in the wind, and my senses throw me back to those dark halls of self-indulgence and I’d wish I was there again.”
“There’s a reason why so many people fall into sin, because it’s so damned enjoyable. If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t be doing it, hey?”
“I guess you could say I found myself. Or rather, I found that a part of me would die the more I stayed with them. Maybe I’m not as bad-as as I thought I was.”
“I guess I decided I wasn’t invincible after all.”
WHo ArE wE tO juDgE aNd DiSCrImiNaTe aS liFe Is A rOllErcOaStEr RiDe. BuT hYpOCrIsy Is A daNgErOUs GaMe. TruTh HuRtS lIkE nO oThEr BuT thEn...TimE wIlL tElL *wInk*
ReplyDeletebeing utterly rebellious is perhaps a phase in life err...but for some people je kot hehehe.
ReplyDeletei was too...but i guess responsibilities force u to be 'sober' and dull at times. well, at other times, u can still always be that rebel ;), full of life, in the positive way :D. u'll know when to be nice n 'noti. another cliche, but most of the time, it 'cud' be true - listen 2 ur heart hehehe.
sounds familiar. hmmm.
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ReplyDeleteits a phase. An avoidable phase which u reluctantly indulge.
ReplyDeleteI can't say for certain lah because:
1. Is this entry a general thought from an unrelated source?
our environment is always at flux. but i always believe that we remain the same person always, no matter how people claim we've changed.
ReplyDeleteok, maybe a little more mature, a little less naive. but still, same aida.
There’s a reason why so many people fall into sin, because it’s so damned enjoyable-->totally agree!
ReplyDeleteI'm such an angel. lalalalla
ReplyDeleteAida..... This is the first time I see your blog... guess who am I? Give a wild guess, we played bowling... we went shopping..... we played poker..... we had parties..... what else? Riddle riddle riddle...So who am I? The answer is .......... CHUAH.... Heheheheheheh You sounded so different from what I know you are in the first place... but one part in the blog that made me think this blog belongs to Aida... you are a strong and rebellious girl.... :P hehehehehehehh okie dokie.. bye bye...
ReplyDeleteOne thing I love about you Ms.Aida is that you put things into perspective, even if its yours!Anyway, how are you?I am now thrown to a new url.Take care, and keep writing!
ReplyDeletefirst timehere, its nice.colourful and full of energy. even i never know any of you here but i see akubudaksetan and faiz of nothingness everywhere.
ReplyDeleteNot invincible after all... Brilliant, bloody brilliant. Funny, coz I just finished watching 'Trainspotting' and this seems very much in the same vein.
ReplyDelete