Miss Aida
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

So they say.

I should know. My mother has a temper like the legendary furies of myth. So does my aunt. So does my sister. I suspect all the women in my family do, except that strange little hybrid youngest sister of mine, and even so, I dare say it’s lurking there somewhere.

My mother’s anger was fearsome. Perhaps to a child every mother is fearsome, but I remember running to the bathroom, locking it and refusing to come out until my father was home. My friends from my youth never wanted to cross my mother. Her temper used to be on a short leash, and beware the unfortunate soul that was on the receiving end.

I remember vowing I never wanted to get that angry.

I know it’s within me.

Anger and violence can be inherited. Scientifically. Genetically.

I can get so angry that I literally see red. I feel the blood rush to my head, and in the heat of the moment, I do not trust myself with a lot of things. There are very primal urges. In my angriest moments it takes a lot to restrain myself from punching someone, or kicking something. I remember kicking a hole in my parents’ bedroom door. I remember strangling someone I loved to the point of asphyxiation, just because I was that angry. I remember punching the bathroom door wide open. It was a crazy sense of physical release.

That is my sin, my vice, my downfall. Sins don’t come any deadlier than this one.

The sudden vehemence can be sudden and unexpected, it can rise and ebb like tides beyond my control. Even now I struggle to keep my anger in check, it is like a monster within that rears its head given the chance.

I suppress it slowly and deliberately over the years. Numbing the cold steel of anger. I know the feeling of it coming over me, the feeling of that anger clouding my judgement, and I do not wish it to dictate my life.

I have learnt to channel my anger through the physical. So I run and jump and exhaust myself. When it comes it is not something I can explain to anyone, it is something that I must wait out.

Sometimes I cannot even speak.

It takes that much control for me to reign myself. God help me.

13 Responses
  1. anger is a funny thing :)

    I know exactly what you mean. too well in fact, it's a shame to admit this.

  2. Natasha Says:

    Ah, the beast within. Nobody is totally free from anger. It may seem irrational but it consumes us all slowly and methodically. But do not forget that there are those who also see the other side of you, the gentle and kind Aida. I'm glad we see that side more often. :)

  3. I liked how you describe me. Strange Hybrid Little Sister. Reminds me of a weird Pheobe-like phrase. Sorry, been watching too much Friends re-runs.

    I remember those times when you and kakyun got into those fights. It was scary especially when you start kicking her room door. I remember it broke. It was so freaky. I think I never really wanted to get into your bad side because of that.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    i dont wanna see ur bad side. scary!!

    i rarely get mad coz i think life's too short for it. but when i do, exercise is the way to go. u get that fresh air that u really need.

    oh ya, when i was with my ex-gf, when am mad at her, i always speaks full malay. it actually calms me down coz sometimes u're lost for words and u try to find a malay word that is suitble to describe how u're feeling but u dunno any. in the end, u'll juz laugh coz the word u use sounds wrong/weird. haha.

  5. i rarely get mad but i know what you mean. when we were little and umi chased us around the house with rotan or anything she can capai at that time, i told myself not to be the same kind of person. atleast not to have the same kind of anger. but now that i've grown up, i'm really not sure. like you said, there's a big chance i might inherit it. i even reminded my boyfriend to tegur my temper later when we marry haha.

  6. :) ada orang tengah marah ka nie.?

    *flowers and chocolate for aida*


  7. when i'm angry or stressed, i just sleep over it. i'll forget why i was angry the next day.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Whenever I believe I was really angry, I'd try my best to find a place to take nice cold shower. It helps. It really helps me to breathe better so that I can let my anger out in the shower.

    Or else I'll just cry to myself.
    and if my friends happen to be there, they'd be listening.

    But I do fear of becoming my own mother. She has her own angry times too. sigh.

    You're too sweet to be an angry person, Aida.

    - dD.Diyana

  9. priya Says:

    strange what sweet-looking people hide eh? :)

    once, i tore a kid's backpack in primary school after enduring weeks of teasing. his dad came to school the next day and laughed at his own son for getting 'bullied' by a girl half his size.

    anger stories are fun years after :P

  10. Anonymous Says:

    you're so nice most of the time, when you snap, you really go all the way. It makes sense.

    I love you and Amir.


  11. Wow, I haven't been here for a while! Hi Miss Aida. =) I've changed URL in case you don't know.

  12. Aliaa Says:

    Hello Aida :-)

    I have to confess I haven't spent time reading your post so this comment isn't really to say something about it because I just wanted to pop by and say hello! It's a shame we never got to know each other but I'm happy to drop by here once in a while.

    Also, congratulations on the happy news!

    Warm regards,

  13. Anonymous Says:

    strangling ppl you love?
    I feel you, amir.
    S&M fun! woot!

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