Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Distracted. My mind is blank. The empty page stares back at me, almost mockingly, as I distractedly scan down the pages of detailed medical journals, trying to make sense of the studies and statistics swimming in front of my eyes. Text and tables blur into one, long never-ending dilemma.

"I'm a bloody medical student, not a researcher," I muttered in frustration, running my fingers through my hair.

The constant breaks I took throughout add up. A short trip to the kitchen. An excuse to not do work because my fingers were coated with chocolate. Dropping by my housemates' rooms to have a bit of a chat. And at the end of four hours, the window with the word document still remained unchanged.

I get up, pacing in and out of rooms, waiting for inspiration to strike my frazzled mind. The peaceful classical music I put on in an attempt at relaxation seemed grating. What I once found relaxing seemed now distracting, instead of images of the old English countryside and such I now found myself conjuring up images of old dead composers, pointing their knobbled fingers at my blank state, laughing at my writer's block.

I growl angrily, the nervous energy crackling inside my body radiating as I feint at my reflection in a mirror. Like someone quite ready to explode and I force myself to sit back down.

My eye catches the glimpse of something metallic as the light bounces off it, and I still suddenly, the beginning of a drastic but rather effective plan forming in my mind. Something that I would have once never thought of, something that would put an end things, once in for all.

I pick it up gently, running my fingers across the cold steel. Resolved with my decision, I pick up my keys and walk out of the room, seeing Liyana watching television. My mind is made up as I hand her the keys.

"Take care of these for me."

"When should I return these?" The question in her eyes forced a response.

"You'll know."

I walk back into the room and close the door behind me quietly, the implications of my decision sinking in with the loud click of the door. A moment of panic and I strengthen my resolve.

I sit back down on the chair and pick it up again, feeling the coldness against my arm, letting my skin get used to the steel, and once again, I almost change my mind. The fickleness of someone who has always been in control, and has difficulty relinquishing that control. The nervous energy and adrenaline of uncertainty.

And then I make my mind up. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And as I hear the loud click as the clip settles into it's notch, and I hear the metallic clang of steel on steel and I cannot move despite my best attempts, feeling the restless energy ebb out of me and I know I have made the right decision.

The handcuffs do their job well.

War of Emotions

"Bastard." She paced around the room like an angry tiger, eyes narrowed, long nails digging into her palm until the red blood oozed from her hands and then only did she look down and realised what she had done. "Bastard."

"Wrath, calm down. It's not entirely his fault. You know that. We have no claim over him, or how he chooses to live his life." Logic reclined back, watching her surroundings through half-closed eyes. "We made that choice a long time ago, when we agreed to stay friends. Remember?"

"I can't help but feel this way though. I know we made the choice, but it doesn't stop me from loving him and forgiving him," Love trailed off softly, adding, "I thought there might still have been a chance. That he felt the same way that I did about him. I still love-"

"How could you?" Love's twin sister Hate cut her off abruptly. "After what he did? He had no respect for us whatsoever. Him and that fucking whore."

"I was talking to her earlier and she was nice enough!" Love defended her.

Hate whirled around, lips deliberately forming the cruel words. "Fucking. Slut."

Wrath agreed. "She probably spreads her legs to any available man, and he was the nearest one available. I talked to her at the beginning of the night and she told me she was looking to make out. And boy, does she live up to her words. You had to pry her apart with a stick. I can't believe I had to watch that. I turned around and it hit me like a slap in the face. I wanted to walk over and kill them both with my bare hands." She stopped and laughed throatily. "That would have been satisfying."

"I must agree I was a little taken aback when I turned around and encountered the scene. It took some effort to walk away and appear unaffected," admitted Logic. "Although I figured it would happen. He was free, she was free, both of them were looking for a good time. I would have expected them to be a bit more private than that though. A little discretion on his part, at least." She shrugged. "Oh well. Things do happen. Accept it. Move on.The best things you can do with your life."

"If it makes him happy." Love sighed. "At least we still have friendship. I'm willing to step back into the role of good friend. I didn't expect it to hurt so much when I had to smile and act as if I wasn't affected at all while I felt like weeping inside, at least for that moment. And I want him to be happy, and if she can help fulfil that, then so be it, and I will accept his decision and fade into the background and become once again, a friend."

"Your words just fuel me, like embers to a flame, Love. I hate him for what he's made us feel. For what he's turned us into. It's rare that we all turn up at one time, and yet, here we all are, in the same place at the same time. Friend?" Hate snorted. "He doesn't need our friendship. If he did value that, in the least he would have realised the impact of his actions and been a bit more discreet about it."

"He definitely doesn't deserve our friendship, Love. What do you want? Walk up and ask him if she was a good fuck?" Wrath asked cruelly. She leant forward to face Love, eyes narrowed. "I'm going to give you a little advice, Love. Play the cool callous uncaring individual. Be the most polite of friends, yet coolly distant."

Love sighed. "Wrath, you do that well enough. Pretend as if you're fine and good while you simmer inside, the cold flame just burning you inside out."

"I cannot be you, Love. That takes a lot more strength sometimes. I usually come quickly and fade quickly, like quicksilver. Never have I lingered so long a time, and it is wearing me out. The quick flares and the sudden dampening of Hate. I am burning with jealousy, and I am tortured by the sights I saw that night. The scene keeps repeating itself in my head and each time it is agonizingly fresh, and I am reborn." Wrath's tone was pained, ringing with the dramatic pain of her nature.

Love bent her head and embraced Wrath, flinching with pain as she did so. "I am not as strong as your think me, Wrath. I dared not say my feelings. I kept them locked in a box deep within my heart He already knew of them, and I have said them once, and never had the strength to say it again again. For I am weak sometimes, and I cannot tell him how I really feel. I cannot tell him my fears. I fear rejection. I fear that he felt not the way I did for him."

Logic nodded. "Despite all my fine talk, and my civilised speeches, and those wonderful philosphical discussions we have had, I could take no action. I am afraid of rejection and for putting Love on the line. I was afraid of letting down those wonderful walls I have so carefully constructed throughout the years, and for Love to risk it all on her one gamble?" Logic shook her head. :"I was not quite prepared to let her do that."

"That's all fine and good for you to say, Logic," Hate said vehemently. "And look where we are now? Together for the longest time I have remembered in ages. I do not care to be dragged from my solitary silence." She spat. "I hope he wakes up tomorrow and realises what an idiot he was. She didn't even want him. She said so throughout the night to me."

"Hah," Wrath snorted, mimicking the girl sarcastically, "I don't want him." She paused, theatrically putting a finger to her lips. "I guess I'll just let him stick his tongue down my throat all night then! And maybe, later, we'll just go back and fuck our brains out!"

"Fucking American slut," laughed Hate.

"It's not her fault. She didn't know there was history between us," Logic was quick.

"You're right. It's his." Wrath was equally quick to rise.

"No it's not!" Love's defence was quick as well. "His only fault was his indiscretion."

Hate turned, slapping Love so hard she fell to the ground, feeling the pain being reflected in Love's eyes. "Tell me, did he have to do it in public, in front of our eyes? I didn't need the visual. Did you?"

Love was silent, turning away, as Hate continued, her voice rising.

"Did he have to bring her back with us? The post party? If he wanted to fuck her so badly they could have left. Why did he have to come back and bring her? Include her in our circle? We had no idea who she was. She didn't belong."

Love was pained, her eyes closed against Hate's onslaught.

There was a moment of silence as everyone tried to recover from the venom in Hate's voice. Love spoke up quietly. "Hate, you've been away too long and it shows."

"It was not my wish to come back either," she said quietly as she knelt over to Love's huddled form and took Love's hands in hers. "We are twins, Love. I am you and you are me, just different parts of the same spectrum. I thought that we could not exist at the same time, and yet we do, and it burns us."

"His fault was ignorance, which might have been due to the alcohol, and his indescretion. And that is barely a fault. Just rudeness." Love murmured. "He did not know."

"Well, then if I cannot fault him for anything else, for that I shall scream for his blood. I will move on but I have lost something dear to me, and none of us will never see things the way they were again. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," Wrath was strong on her opinions.

"It is irrational for all of us to feel this way, after all. Love, would you have rather changed your principles to accommodate those physical impulses? Would you have rather been the one to have kissed him, and continued to a sexual relationship?" Logic was calm.

Love bowed her head. "You know I will not, as it is the same for all of us, and the teachings of our religion."

"Would you have, Wrath, preferred to have done that instead?" Relentless Logic.

"Even I have some control over myself, Logic."

Logic cast her eye on Hate, and even she was forced to admit, "And I would not have either. It would have spiralled out of control too fast and then Lust would come out to play, and she's a hard one to get rid off. And you know that would have just been the beginning of the floodgates opening."

The four of them shuddered at the thought of Chaos.

"His actions were cruel that night," Hate said weakly.

"It was not cruelty on his part. He was drunk and oblivious to all, Hate. And we play the part of unaffected friendship to the hilt, as you know," Logic reminded them. "He probably knows not how she still feels for him, so well we play the part."

"The other girl didn't even want him to begin with. And she still didn't," cried Wrath.
"I wanted to tell him, but he seemed so happy and so I held my tongue lest he accuse me of Jealousy," admitted Love.

"Well, that is not our part. We must move on," Logic was always the calmest one. "She is not our issue, but rather, a complication that distracts us from the point at hand."

"You are right as usual, Logic. We cannot escape him for we share too many friends. We will see him, and we will let you handle this, Logic, but we must agree on our course of action. You are too soft for this, Love. You will be hurt, again and again." Her voice gentled.

"He will be unsure how to react, once the events of the night come back to him, especially to us," agreed Logic. "We must not run away with ourselves. Especially you, Hate."

"I shall be polite. The most polite and the best of friends once again, but I will keep Love away from him. I will be polite but cold, perfectly friendly but he will feel the walls that I have put up between us and I have no intention of letting those down again. Not to him. Not now. And we will meet again, with mutual friends and I will ignore him as discreetly as I can unless he should directly address me, then to which I will respond with the most perfunctory but fitting response for the occasion. And I will ignore his affection and stretch my facial expressions into what they should resemble but I will be wonderfully social and sparkling with everyone else around me, and keep Love's natural impulses for affection fiercely guarded under lock and key around him." Hate said coldly, her voice dripping with poison.

"I refuse to let anyone make me feel this way. I refuse to let him make me feel this way, even though he has no idea what he has done," agreed Logic.

"I can grow. Change into a different Love. Love of friendship. It will take time but I will make it happen."

"I could kill him for tearing me apart like this, but I shall restrain myself and follow Hate's path."

"It hurts." Love said simply.

"It does. But even more so for her, to have all of us here together, and quarrelling at that, fluctuating like the fickleness of strangers. It hurts her more than it hurts us, and for that we must make our decision."

The four of them turned to watch the girl. "She is conflicted," agreed Wrath, watching her from the back of her mind. She could sense them watching her and she almost turned around, unable to concentrate on one at the same time and her frustration was obvious.

"We make her conflicted. Us being here at the same time causes her conflict. So we must make our decision."

Where Have All the Leaders Gone?

These are times of peace. At least for most of the developed world. Wars are fought in front of computer screens. People walk on, engrossed in their personal lives whilst reading about the fate of the worlds in the news, the Internet, through mediums, becoming more and more removed from the harsh realities of the world. No longer able to truly relate to the struggles of the world.

Removed.

In these times of so-called peace, people grow fat and weak and content, wrapped up in the trivialities of their own lives, content with mediocrity. People losing their sense of community, becoming more and more focussed on a sense of individuality, chasing aspirations and dreams with little regard to the betterment of society.

Science starting to disregard ethics.

People hoard their wealth while their children grow greedy and unscrupulous and the gap between the rich and poor becomes larger than it ever has before.

And while all this happens, social constructs are advancing and red tape starts becoming a whole new dimension, and means start justifying lies, and all sense of goodness is becoming a lot more lost in the whole plastic generation we are becoming, and the people who have core values and their head screwed on straight are content on becoming good people in their lifetimes while politicians smile fake smiles and continue building this strange, new, corrupted world.

As I walk these streets, I scan the faces of the crowd, wondering what their characters are like. Who will crack under the pressure? Who are those souls with strength ingrained in themselves, those who, given the chance, reveal the ability to command armies into battles, to make tough decisions under pressure, to be respected by whole communities and nations, but instead continue to walk the paths of their lives as time passes them by.

We need leaders. Those heroes of old, the knights that would lead their armies, emblazoned with nothing less than a sense of patriotism and courage and justice. We need leaders who will change the fate of the world, not run it into its grave.

Coming of Age

Birthdays are not about expensive gifts. Birthdays are not about who big lavish celebrations. Birthdays aren't about cakes and candles. Birthdays aren't about huge nights out and having the best times of your life. Or at least not for me. I didn't need any of those.

I had more. I had the people I loved. Almost, asides from Nik, who didn't make it for reasons not entirely clear to me, and my loved ones back in Malaysia. I spent hours cooking for the thirty odd people who turned up, but it was worth having all my friends to celebrate with me. My actual birthday falls on a Tuesday, but the fact that people had classes didn't make the date a very practical date for celebrations.

I didn't have a cake, but people sang me happy birthday regardless.

I didn't have a huge night out but I had a great night regardless.

I didn't expect big things out of the night, but I got them regardless.

Some people gave me some really thoughtful presents. Chris gave me turqoise earrings, as did Sylvie, though her gift came with a matching bracelet. Mel's earrings were silver and Linah 'butt probe' also came with a bronze necklace with green beads. Siew, Fabian, Pin Jun and Halim, by guesswork or by memory, presented me with a Body Shop gift pack in my favourite scent - vanilla! Kirsty, Josh, Pei, Sam, Ivor, Shaun, John and Eddie put in money towards a fondue set - I can now make chocolate fondue. Oh god, I'm salivating already. My fridge is stocked with three different carriers of gourmet chocolate, and every single Cadbury chocolate ever in existence. Pudtz even drew me this in honour of my turning 21!

I have to admit though, that Hugh and James' gift really took me aback. I didn't expect anything on the scale of what they gave me - the delicate, white gold necklace must have been really expensive, but it was the thought that they must have put into it that really touched me. I love it. I love it to bits. I'm almost afraid to take it off in case I lose it.

Other events of the night were just funny, like the case with Faiz's gift. As most people handed me their wrapped presents, I would ask if I needed to refridgerate them, knowing quite well that most people would get me chocolate. As I was rummaging through the boxes of gifts in the fridge later on, I unwrapped a wooden Japanese doll from Faiz and Azreen! Faiz must have mistakenly nodded his head to my question without paying much attention to the actual words.

I have had more well wishers and card givers than I ever could have expected, more than I ever expected people to remember!

I wish I had more time to spend with my guests that night, but quantity is a trade-off with quality time spent with each and every one. I wish I had remembered to take my camera out and take photographs, but other things required my attention. Minor things, but the memories of the night are enough to send me into the week on a high, enough to keep me smiling at the sheer thought of the night.

And I am thankful for the company that I had, and the people I shared it with, and I am thankful that Nat and Azreen didn't actually get the stripper that I worried so much about.

My actual birthday was celebrated with less style, but just as much happiness. I pampered myself with a vanilla bubble bath, using the bath salts I had just gotten. Then Akmal surprised me by going out and buying KFC, just for us housemates to celebrate together in a smaller celebration, before going out for a movie with James and stuffing ourselves with pizzas and a DVD when we returned from the movie. And the long, heartfelt phone call from home. Well wishes from my youngest cousins and my mother's quick 'I love you'.

I keep adding to this entry because I am incredibly touched by the continuous barrage of texts and calls that I received, and the surprise gifts that people have given me in the week. People just come by to wish me. Nadiah dropped by with a card and chocolate. Jeen dropped by with a recipe book for fondues, to complement the fondue set, and Liz! Liz, with all her artistic talent, painted me a self portrait! It is absolutely gorgeous, and although I see the resemblance, I swear that the subject in the painting is so much more beautiful than I, or perhaps my view is affected by the emotions I am experiencing.

And today, mere hours ago, Nik surprised me with a mini-celebration with the girls. Lin, Hidayah, Rina, Usu, Nadiah and Nana all came together to celebrate my birthday. It started out with us girls, just having dinner and cake, having fun, and singing along to the songs that came on. And then they sang for me. They sang a song for me, and the words struck a chord in my heart, and I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes. The lyrics, about friendship, spoke volumes about my fears about growing further away from Nik, and I could see she was similarly affected. Sebak di dada. It is about adjusting to our new lives, and at that moment I felt as close to her as I used to be, and it was like nothing had changed. I knew we still had each other.

I have just realised how incredibly lucky I am. Words fail me.

Hello, My Name Is...

"Hi, my name's Aida and I'm calling from a demographics research company." Smiling. Cheerful but professional.

"You've got a very nice voice, Aida."

That flusters me. "Uh... Thanks. I guess." Breathe in. Compose myself. "Anyway, I'm just conducting a short survey for research. Would you be able to answer some questions for me?"

"Sure, as long as you answer some of mine."

That throws me off once again. I've lost all professionalism. Then I decide it can't be that bad. "Um.. Sure. I guess." More hesitant this time round, and I think he hears it in my voice.

"I've got some real good ones to ask you, Aida." His voice takes on a more suggestive tone.

"On second thoughts sir, maybe I've called the wrong number. Have a nice day."

.................

Talk about freaking out on the job. I've only been working at the call centre for a couple of shifts, but already I've run into some really strange individuals. It's not the best of jobs. It's repetitive, there's a lot of emotions involved, but it's relatively easy work and there's barely any skill involved. It's easy money, although I get taxed a ridiculous amount, just for being an international student, but then again, it's just a temporary job.

My other favourite lines include "No, I can't really answer your questions because I'm going to bed. Do you want to come back to bed with me?" and the one that takes the cake was the one guy who said, "Survey? I'm too cool for this!"


You get all sorts on the phone. There are the really rude ones that just hang up. Sometimes they seem to forget that there is a real life person on the other end of the line, with feelings and thoughts and who get cut by the sheer rudeness of the other person. A 'no thank you, not interested' would suffice. I know sometimes I take things a lot more personally than I should, but there's such a thing called courtesy.

On the other hand, there are the really nice people who are willing to talk, the people who take time out of their busy day to complete a short one minute survey and are nice about it to boot. Sometimes you can tell a lot about people over the phone. I find that nurses are always the nicest people to talk to; despite the long hours they probably put in at the hospital, they're always polite, they always make time to answer the few questions I have to ask, and they're always nice.

The irony. Me, with my paranoia about talking to strangers on the phone, getting a job which requires me to call up hundreds and thousands of strangers and talking to them. Fate works in funny ways.