Birthday Thoughts

I've felt a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed this year turning a year older.

Part of me feels like I don't feel any older than I was, but there's another part of me that realizes how the years are passing, and the burden of life has started to creep into an anxious subconscious, especially with the current situation of infertility and the impending sense that the clock is ticking on the opportunity to conceive.

I have the sense of being at a crossroads in my life, torn between staying exactly where I am and forcing myself to move forward.

The year started out with a rough patch, and I foresee a stormy year ahead as it is. 

There's an added reluctance to rock the boat. 

But then there was the love, the friends - the reassurance that it was okay to be on this path I was, alone or together, that it was okay to be as uncertain as I was at this point of time.

Growing old doesn't necessarily mean that I become more comfortable with what the future holds. On the contrary it feels like each passing year puts me in a bigger state of discomfort with the added responsibilities in my life. Perhaps the discomfort is meant to push me outside my comfort zone, to push me forward so I can move already, from inside this comfortable circle that I've kept myself in.

Perhaps it's time to step up.