Wednesday 21 March 2018

A Divorce and A Remarriage

My sister’s ex-husband remarried three days ago.

It’s been hard.

It’s hard to see my sister go through the pain of having to deal with a divorce she didn’t want, to have her break down from hurt and pain while having to struggle as a main caregiver for her two young children. It’s hard to hear her cry when I cannot be there.

In some ways the children will not have full access to a father. He will be a partial part of their lives, someone who comes and goes, there for the fun happy times but will not be there as part of their everyday lives.

He will not see my dad sit down with his children every day to do their homework with them, with a hundred and one excuses to escape their work.

He will not see my mother’s tears whenever she sees her grandchildren tell her they miss their father, nor the worry in her eyes in the moments of them acting out.

He will not know our concerns as we watch the children grow, how they crave the attention of other males as replacement for a father figure.
But he will also miss the beauty of watching them grow into their wonderful selves, miss their wonderful quirks and cheeky little conversations, the laughter they bring to our lives.

As my sister Khairun wrote, “Don’t get me wrong. I’m struggling still. None of my family members are divorced. So I had no reference point, no knowledge of what to expect or what to do. But most of all, I had an inability to see Max as anything else but my husband.

But I write this because it’s hard. Not for his vilification or for anyone to take sides. But to share this experience from a woman’s point of view. Because we so easily call a woman emotional and tell her she has to be strong. But we fail to tell a man that he has wronged. Fail to remind him of his responsibilities and how he is being disrespectful. In all cultures, we blame the woman and congratulate the man.

Yet, it is me who has to scale things down for the children who is now supported by a single income. It is me who has to hear her kids cry when they miss dad. It is me who has to figure out what to tell them so their idea of marriage and love and commitment isn’t cheapened by the decisions their father has made. It is me who bears the responsibility so my son to not repeat the errors made by the generations before him - that he doesn’t do this to another woman, another child. It is me who has to explain why they have to grow up without their father, for the rest of their lives.

Knowing has brought me a certain peace. And seeing it for myself gave me closure. But deep love means I am bound to this man for life and will always care greatly for his happiness and wellbeing.

And deep love almost always comes with deep pain.”

For whatever it’s worth, I hope the decision is for the best for all parties.

 Please pray for my sister and her children, for the strength to face their challenges ahead and for the best in the years to come.

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