Aida Zabidi
Today someone told me that the reason I didn't have children because I would probably be a bad mother.

I was not prepared for how it made me feel.

I know logically that it wasn't the slightest bit true, but I was unprepared at how hurtful it was, and how quick I was to want to believe that statement. It was easy to agree, to blame myself for a perceived inadequacy that others had found so easy. It was surprising that I wanted to shift the blame on myself for not being able to conceive - something perceived to be a natural process for a woman.

My husband and I have been married for two years now, and been actively trying for a year, with no avail. Neither of us have really thought much about it, but when I heard that statement, a thousand and one insecurities surfaced from the recesses of my mind. 

What if I was infertile?
What if we couldn't have children?
What if we couldn't have children because we had made awful mistakes in the past?

What if, what if - so many what if's.

I knew in my logical heart of hearts it was more likely to do with my irregular periods and a hormonal imbalance, but I also knew that it had been a year of active trying with no results. If it was a friend, I would have asked them to consult a doctor.

My husband said that Allah will decide the time, that it will happen when the time is right - and I'm thankful for the reminder. It is a reminder that we are who we are, and our challenges shape our characters into the people we are supposed to be - for all our strengths and weaknesses, for all our perfections and imperfections, we are exactly where we are meant to be.

In the meantime, I think it's time I make an appointment with the gynaecologist.
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