Aida Zabidi
You wonder what it feels like.

It feels like blackness.

Like the dark side of darkness.

It feels as if my body’s a shell, and the entirety of my strength is pushed into putting on this face, this farce to the world, where the strong, resilient person that I used to be still exists – not the weak excuse that I have become. It feels as if I am split in two, where a small part of my still rages with the ineffectualness of my other self, while the other me sits wrapped in this blanket of apathy, not even managing to muster the strength to respond to the rage within.

The feeling is enveloping, and only manage to cope by putting my energy into this facade, and by forcing my mind to deal with one thing at a time – one thing at a time.

It feels like a struggle for the most menial of things.

To wake up.

To take a shower.

To have breakfast.

It feels as if enjoyment has been sapped from every aspect of my life, from the simple, beautiful joy I used to get from the pleasures of food, to the enjoyment of seeing friends.

It feels like life is a dead zone.

I force myself to do things that seem normal, but I no longer receive the satisfaction that I usually get from my interpersonal relationships. I’ve shunned writing because my words drip poison, and the very act of saying what lies within seems melodramatic, torturous – like the melancholic, repeated excess of a person walking that fine line between reality and their own version of normality.

What is normal anymore?

It feels like a dead zone.
4 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    recapture those moments in the past when u're at ur best self - strength, happiness, confidence, etc. find back that lost formula and recapture those feelings, those taken steps and u shall relive that best of self.

    sort of come from 'the secret' thingy. plus a bit of tony rob's. i cant rmmbr which. either way, for what it's worth, u have a friend here who cares. chin up and live life for the sake of ppl around u who cares abt u.

  2. Yvaine Says:

    ahahah :P depression. ordinary is ordinary. now it means something, huh? it's time to go forward. u should kno ur time. huh

  3. bodicea Says:

    sink or swim.

    i relate. part of the issue is finding something to look forward to. that sense of purpose.

    the whole business with learning to live comfortably with yourself somehow makes the process hard enough.

  4. Yvaine Says:

    not as easy as just leaving things behind.

    every point of our lives build up to the person we are, and we can never escape that.

    thats how this imperfect life we live is perfect. watch out. i'm scaring myself too right now, eheh.

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