Aida Zabidi
We once walked hand in hand and talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I would lie my head on your shoulder, and you would hold me close, and we were content in our own little bubble, for we were in love and that was enough.

We hit our rough patches, you and I, and I remember the lowest ebb of your life, where uncertainty hit, and you were a man plunged in the depths of depression, and I could only watch and cry silent tears for I could not reach you during those times; I could only be there by your side and hope that you knew I was there for you.

It was one thing after another, and perhaps our relationship went too fast, too quickly, too much in the first year.

Perhaps I was concentrating too hard on making things work. Perhaps so hard that I realized my feelings were no longer what they were.

Used to. You told me you hated that word.

I do too.

I know I caused you pain, and a part of me can never forgive myself for causing you that pain, never forgive myself for the way I came to the decision. You seemed to take it rationally, and I was so relieved for that, so relieved that perhaps I didn’t realize that you were hurting a lot more than I could imagine, perhaps my insistence at friendship was premature.

We started having coffee, you and I, the same way I did with all friends. It was an attempt at normality, an attempt at salvaging a relationship that was no longer there, for each time we met it seemed we ended up only hurting each other more and more.

I still remember that day you walked me home, and you told me, “A hug. For old times’ sake.” And you hugged me as tears streamed down my face and I watched you walk away, seemingly tall and strong, so much more than the broken wreck that I was.

I had no idea you were walking away.

Was our rapport only there because of our relationship?

We worked well together in the first place, so well we fell in love. Why can’t we try a different kind of love?

I wonder if it is possible for two people, who once shared so much love for each other, to heal and be friends again. I wonder if we are irreconcilable, if our shared values and laughter and good times are worth nothing now we are apart.

It makes me sad to think that we shall never walk the same path, or you are not willing to try.

You said, “We’ll talk when I’m ready to talk.”

But you’re not even trying.

My door will always be open. Hate me if you need to, curse my name if you must, say what you will. I cannot undo my mistakes, but I can only try to make things better, the only way I know how.

I still want you in my life, but it seems you are not ready yet, and I cannot wait forever.

Perhaps it is easier for you to cut me out of your life entirely, to ignore the memories we had made together, to turn your back on our past.

Who am I to say?

This is my apology, my confession, and my goodbye.

I can only wish you all the best. I once told you you were strong, and you had so much potential, and I still believe in the man you could be. I can only pray for your happiness, and that you can forgive me for the hurt that I caused you. I can only thank you for the memories you have given me, for those times you have supported me, for the overwhelming love that I could not return.

Walk away if you must, but I cannot, and I thank you for the starring role you played in my life.

And let that be an end of that chapter of you and I.
16 Responses
  1. Laily Says:

    from past experience, we could never revert back to being friends once we've broken what love we had shared with that one memorable person.

    take it all in stride, aida. he's eating it all up inside. maybe time is all he needs.

    you take care. hope your studies are going well too :)

  2. cecima Says:

    ur words..sedey strong ok..

  3. honestly, no we cant.
    i know how does he feels.. i mean partly bcoz im facing the same thing as well.

    As for me, I cant be JUST A FRIEND of someone that used to be my other half and when he tried to, I gave "give me more time and space to adapt the fact tht we arent together anymore" as excuses, but deep down inside I know that I wont be able to do so and it wont heals with time.. the scar will always remain. Dont get it wrong ok, this doesnt mean tht i hate him or whtsoeva, it just... *sigh*
    And i think same goes to him :)

    But maybe once he get over it, by tht time who knows, probably he'll gladly to be friends back :)

    p/s: sorry for all the nenekmoyang story telling.. LOL

  4. :(

    he'll come around

    you're a great person (to me :))

  5. Dear Miss,

    A piece of unsolicited advice, if I may: Sometimes (well, okay most times) relationships are irreparably shattered. Being one who has gone through several, I'm talking through experience. It is not something that one wears proudly, but that's life for you.

    At least, have comfort in knowing that everything that happened, the good times, were real.

    Hang in there. You and him both. :)

  6. miza Says:

    Its only been a couple of months. Hurt sometimes need years to get over. Everyone heal at different rates and need different things so perhaps you're moving slighty too fast?

  7. NJB Says:

    is this a closure? cos it has been awhile. and somebody got to bloody move on and open a new chapter quickly.

    cos a happier u would produce happier writings consequently happier readings ergo happier readers.

  8. it's a sad ending. for both of u in that chapter...

    fine, but move on to another chapter. still u will find it the same, coz none other but urself have to intiate and make it different and interesting this time. blame no one but urself. coz along the journey, we learn and fall and learn and fall and still learn...

    learning is a life-long journey that is transformational. both u and him r responsible and accountable for ur own choices. just make sure to be open, honest and maintain a respectful communication in the next chapter, coz that is essential to mutual understanding between two souls.


  9. "You said, “We’ll talk when I’m ready to talk.”

    But you’re not even trying."

    A gurl looks at a man and imagine being love.

    A guy looks at a woman and see a cunt.

    He has just lost interest in you and looking for his next prettier cunt.

    Find another man who find u interesting and sexy...

    He needs time.. to see if he can attract a more beautiful cunt. If he can't then maybe he will come back..

    Men are so basic..dress up, wear makeup and see them come flirting by...

    then pick your choice... u should be intelligent enough to understand this. It stand true for women at all ages....

  10. Bo Says:

    omg. this is so heartfelt. touching. my heart goes out to you. perhaps he is not the man you thought he was, and you deserve better.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    oh kerispatuh,you are such a cunt.
    commenting when you dont know what happened.

    oh you cunt you

  12. Anonymous Says:

    oh come on. get a life. dont make it sound as if it's his fault or nobody's fault. In real life, it's obviously Your fault for being such a whore. lucky u that these readers didnt really know wut truly happened. u can make anything u write sounded so beautiful & nice, but in d end, i dunno how u will manage to get over the fact dat u've been lying to no one but ur own self. Hadith says '..perempuan yg baik diciptakan untuk lelaki yg baik, and vice versa'. So no wonder ur marriage didnt last, basically..U dont deserve him at all..or should i say, u're unworthy for someone like him?? Dont talk about love when all u care about is lust. what goes around comes around, aida. Allah is there and he witnessed Everything, in case u dont realize, or chose to ignore. so Pls, be a good person at heart, and love Sincerely.

  13. kerispatuh Says: are so laughable..dont bring Allah into some simple relationship... love and lust.. what nonsense..

    Lust is passion. Love is self deception.

    Who ever get the most sex is the winner..

    At least Aida got her priority right..lust hahaha. good girl.

    Find better all I can say.

    When u are fucking or lust has no meaning.... just teeth in a glass and anonymous u deserve your old man haha...

  14. Anonymous Says:

    mr. kerispatuh you apparently know an absolute Nothing. and your comments are worthless.

  15. Wow. I wish I can write like that.

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