Touch

Touch is one of those personal things.

I believe in hugs and kisses and lots of personal contact. It’s strange, the slight physical contact, and how it made such a huge difference in my life. In high school, scarce a day went by without a hug, and my friends were used to me coming up to them and asking for one. I was a manja little thing with my friends, but that seems like a long time ago.

I don’t know what happened after high school. Perhaps it was the new people I met, the people in college and university, and everyone had different boundaries of physical contact. I too, reacted the same way, and my personal space grew.

In retrospect, physical contact had a large influence on me, and the lack of caused me to grow apart from a great many friends who I came to Australia with. It changed me, and there is a part of me even now that is no longer the affectionate person I once was.

It’s funny to think back about how I used to be and how I was now.

I only reflect on this because of something someone said jokingly, as I lay my head on a friend’s shoulder.

I no longer give hugs freely, because I am unsure. I involuntarily tense when someone invades my personal space.

Yet, at the same time, I have started to let certain people more into my life. I hug certain friends, some more than others, because I know no better way to show my affection. I am more comfortable having certain people enter my personal space.

So small a thing, yet it weighs so much on my mind, and surprises me how much I appreciate the simple gestures. I miss the smallest things sometimes. Just the feel of someone’s arm resting on my shoulders. Bear hugs, and little hugs. Linking arms. The touch of friends and lover alike. Touch, for me, is a personal connection that I cannot define, except to say that it makes me feel alive. Especially lately, where I am with people I am genuinely fond of, I am especially tactile with. I have been out of practice with showing physical affection for awhile, I think.

He laughed when I asked him if my affection with other people worried him and said ,”But you’ve always been like that.”

But that’s the thing. I haven’t been for a long time.

And I’m glad I’m starting to trust again.