The Question

It’s like an addiction, treading that fine line.

It’s like another time, long long ago.

I remember my youth, days of the rebel child who didn’t give a damn, until she was slowly shelved away and a new persona emerged, one who gave a shit about responsibility and following the rules, and being the general all-round nice person.

It seems to have worked because no one remembers that rebel child.

But once in awhile she comes out to play, triggered by certain events and it’s like déjà vu, watching the sequence of events. I’m like a spectator on the sidelines, watching her wiles and ways, and perhaps, a part of me loves the I-don’t-give-a-damn attitude, the freedom, the wildness within. She follows her feelings, without taking in consequences, she is a creature of passion and instinct.

At what point should life be lived in the moment?

It is a question I struggle with. I believe in taking life as it comes, and seizing the day, but sometimes the repercussions of doing things without thinking first cannot be ignored.

Perhaps I no longer want to debate the rights and wrongs.

Just live.

Touch

Touch is one of those personal things.

I believe in hugs and kisses and lots of personal contact. It’s strange, the slight physical contact, and how it made such a huge difference in my life. In high school, scarce a day went by without a hug, and my friends were used to me coming up to them and asking for one. I was a manja little thing with my friends, but that seems like a long time ago.

I don’t know what happened after high school. Perhaps it was the new people I met, the people in college and university, and everyone had different boundaries of physical contact. I too, reacted the same way, and my personal space grew.

In retrospect, physical contact had a large influence on me, and the lack of caused me to grow apart from a great many friends who I came to Australia with. It changed me, and there is a part of me even now that is no longer the affectionate person I once was.

It’s funny to think back about how I used to be and how I was now.

I only reflect on this because of something someone said jokingly, as I lay my head on a friend’s shoulder.

I no longer give hugs freely, because I am unsure. I involuntarily tense when someone invades my personal space.

Yet, at the same time, I have started to let certain people more into my life. I hug certain friends, some more than others, because I know no better way to show my affection. I am more comfortable having certain people enter my personal space.

So small a thing, yet it weighs so much on my mind, and surprises me how much I appreciate the simple gestures. I miss the smallest things sometimes. Just the feel of someone’s arm resting on my shoulders. Bear hugs, and little hugs. Linking arms. The touch of friends and lover alike. Touch, for me, is a personal connection that I cannot define, except to say that it makes me feel alive. Especially lately, where I am with people I am genuinely fond of, I am especially tactile with. I have been out of practice with showing physical affection for awhile, I think.

He laughed when I asked him if my affection with other people worried him and said ,”But you’ve always been like that.”

But that’s the thing. I haven’t been for a long time.

And I’m glad I’m starting to trust again.

Aseana

I'm curious as to what will happen.

Apparently by clicking the link once a day, the city population will increase, and once increased it becomes similar to what you can do on SimCity.

http://aseana.myminicity.com/

Support Aseana, only because I'm curious.

Box.

Sometimes the system is frustrating.

Or rather, the people within the system, the wonderful system of the government that I call home. Sometimes I am frustated at the inadequacies, the lack of warmth, the egoistical power trips some of these individuals get from delaying service.

More often than most, I am frustrated at the mindset, the tendency to stick to the confines of the box; or actually, so far away from the borders of the box, even, that I wonder if one day they will finally stick out their toes and venture closer to unknown territory, where courtesy exists and thinking outside the box is applauded instead of condemned, and then perhaps.

Perhaps.

We can finally spread our wings.