These Tears

It is strange how paradoxical one's character can be; and even more so when I think of my own. How I am able to be so strong for others sometimes and yet, so weak when it comes to myself. How I believe that everyone needs to cry once in a while, and yet am reluctant to show my tears.

I cry at everything. Or perhaps, everything but when I am saddest, save for being in front of a certain person. I prefer to smile at sad situations, prefer to be the strong one, the quiet one, the one who comforts and nurtures. And yet, in front of him I cannot seem to hold back the tears, for he seems to break down that rigid control I once had over my tears, and I am not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I believe that sometimes rationality goes out of the window in a discussion where I am having more difficulty controlling my emotions than talking about the issues calmly. It has happened more times than I care to admit, and it is beyond my control.

What is this heightened sensitivity? As the years go by, I become more aware of issues, and my heart goes out to everyone and everything.

To the mother who had to single-handedly raise her children.

To the lover who made a mistake and cries out for his lost love.

To the children dying of AIDS in Africa.

I watch movies and cry because I am somehow able to connect with the characters and the situation in a case where most others don't.

I do not understand why.

Is it a curse of a woman who is able to feel; or am I attaching too much significance to situations that I have never ever had to endure? Is feeling a sign of strength or of weakness? Where does the line between rationality and empathy lie, and will I ever be able to find that happy medium where I will be able to hold my ground?

"Tears are the strength of women," Saint Evermond said.

I wish I could believe him, but I feel there is so much weakness In myself and my tears that I find it difficult to believe that I feel so much for a reason, and it is difficult to rationalize why I feel to deeply to the extent that I tear up at the slightest incident.

Therein lies the paradox, for I am able to show my tears towards the plight of others, but I am reluctant to share my sadness when it come to my own self.

Perhaps this is my task, so I may find the strength behind this tears I shed, the disconnection of what is personal and what is general. Perhaps.

My Tower of Strength

Tests of character often crop up at the most unexpected of moments, and it is interesting to see how the people you love react. Sometimes there is no truer test of love than when you are left in difficult straits.

It is easy enough to love when things are going well, but not so much when things are at a weaker point.

In sickness and in health, I believe the promise was, and I was as sick as a dog those two days. So sick I could barely move, for every movement led to nauseating pain. A painful weakness of the body, for the wretched pain came in waves, and I could barely withstand crying out every time it came.

I would have been left at the mercy of my pain had he not been there for me. He fed me and cared for me, and I was reminded of every other time I no longer had the energy to do the things I needed to do, and he was there for me each and every time.

I never truly understood the meaning of a tower of strength until I was at my lowest ebbs, of body and of mind, and it is true that sometimes all you need is a person to lean on while you recover your strength. And I am beyond grateful for that.

Tests of character often crop up at the most unexpected of moments. And darling, at the moment you've passed 100%.

A Letter To My Lover

Well, since I've now been tagged more than once (thanks, If and Nik), I might as well fulfil my tagged obligations and get to completing the post.

Rule : Tagged person must come up with 8 different points about his/her perfect lover.

Hmm. There are so many connotations to the word lover, that I can't quite help running along the track of a few x-rated thoughts. Deliciously x-rated, but for the sake of those under eighteens, let's keep it mostly platonic. So, as dictated, a letter to my lover.

1. Dear you,

I have unusual ideas about some things, and I need you to be able to listen and digest before taking into consideration and launching into debate, be it for or against my ideas is essential. Even more so that your are able to accept that I may have a different way of thinking, and not hold my differences against me.

2. Lover,

As far as erratic female PMScent behaviour goes, I am probably pretty laidback most times. I don't have mood swings and I don't usually get upset about petty little things. I do however, have the slightest little problem of having a really short attention span. It annoys people because I tend to blurt out something that has caught my attention in the middle of a sentence they are saying, and then resume listening. I don't mean to be rude, but it does happen, so the I need you to be patient enough to accept that. In a religious sense, I need you to be patient in guiding me towards the paths which are right. It might be a slow and difficult road for me, but I need your guidance.

3. Dear heart,

Words are powerful, and I love words for the power they have to mess with your mind, and knowing when to use them at the right time is an amazing and useful gift. To tell me you're sorry about a situation, or to be man enough to apologize for the things you have done. Being able to make me laugh. On a sexual note, being able to turn me on with nothing but the things you say. Dirty talk can be a fun, fun thing, and I want you to be the one that I will be able to play with.

4. Darling,

So I like trying new things. I'm up for most things at least once (unless they're outright illegal, a major sin, or involve heights, and then I most probably draw the line). Anyone who will be able to entertain my occasionally random behaviour is always a plus in my book. If you're the one to initiate new ideas and new things, that's even more of a bonus. I can't try something I've never heard of! Plus, being adventurous is always a plus in the bedroom. ;)

5. Dear you,

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood, and it may have nothing to do with you. You need to have the basic understanding that women are not always up for sex, and not take refusal to heart. That said, an understanding of the word "No" when what I really mean to say is "Yes" may induce an unexpected romp of sorts. Sometimes you need to understand that the way I feel is a passing moment, and I will soon come around and apologize or smile again. And sometimes you need to understand that I need you here beside me holding my hand. I am not asking you to read my mind, but I know you will come to understand my body language. That intuition is endearing, and makes you all the more perfect.

6. Awak,

I like having my friends and I like you having yours. I like the fact that you encourage me to do my own thing, and I like you having a life on your own. There's nothing less fun than being joined to the hip. As much as I love spending time with you, even the closest of souls need time apart. On that same thought, I would hate to be stopped from doing something I want to do, for I would expect you to trust the choices I make, and not fall into the trap of jealousy or paranoia.

7. Lover,

I love the way you touch. And I love the way you shiver when I touch you. And I look forward to seeing how much more sensitive you are when time permits.

8. Dearest heart,

Am I selfish to want to be loved wholly for me and only for me, despite the wear and tear that age might bring? Am I needy to need to know that I am loved? Despite a large part of my independence, I am most comfortable knowing that you are mine and I am yours, and that that love is unconditional.

It was hard picking eight different characteristics when you've already found someone that sets your heart a-flutter, because you end up loving each and every bit about them. Lists are merely guidelines, but in the end, your perfect lover is perfect because you are blinded by love and passion, and sometimes, that can be a wonderful thing.

Yours sincerely,

Me