The Miscarriage

I thought it was the worst period pain in my life. 

I didn't expect a miscarriage. 

Heck, I didn't even know I was pregnant, especially since we'd struggled through our journey with fertility, up to five failed cycles with hormones and IUI before we decided to give it a break for the year. 

That particular day started out with some period pain, but I had errands to run, so I took a strong painkiller and left the house. 

That's when the pain started; cramping abdominal pain that I convinced myself were some particularly strong period cramps, tried to convince myself that I was stronger than the pain and I couldn't possibly go to emergency - even when I was doubled over in the car doing breathing exercises to try and deal. It just got worse, and despite my trying to convince myself otherwise, after 20 minutes of the intense pain, I gave up, and asked my driver to bring me to a clinic nearby home. 

"I'm in a lot of pain, and I need a painkiller stat." 

I could barely stand at this point, and probably really looked awful, cause the nurse jumped up and brought me to the treatment room. 

Suddenly, it felt like a gush of fluid; like something being expelled from my body with a lot of force. 

And magically the pain stopped. 

So did my heart for a second. 

In all that time, the possibility of a miscarriage only flitted across my mind once, only to shrug it off as very improbable due to my infertility. And yet, I ended up in the clinic toilet, looking down at a bloody toilet bowl and what definitely looked like a chunk of flesh, half the size of my palm. 

It's funny what goes through your head when you're in that situation. 

I was more concerned about leaving a bloody toilet bowl than anything else at that point of time, because it was a stranger's workplace, and I didn't know what else to do. 

So I flushed. 

I admit I cried a little, for all of 2 minutes, more from shock of processing what had actually happened than anything else, then spent another 5 minutes reassuring the doctor that I was actually okay and just in a bit of shock. 

How can I explain the emotions that happened? The sudden pain, and the sudden relief, the process of denial, grief and acceptance all within the span of minutes? The rational thought that kicked in, and wondering what the next step would be - did I have to go to a hospital, or see O&G? Should I have scooped out my POC to bring it somewhere? Would I need a procedure? 

Being a doctor has it's pros and cons - but in those moments of panic I honestly felt like being overly rational didn't actually help (obviously even though the pain was 9/10 I wasn't rational enough to think it wasn't normal pain pfft). I did end up in emergency for a scan in the end. I did end up with some ongoing bleeding, but luckily the latest scan has been clear and I can be back to my normal life soon! 

Thank you for the thoughts and the prayers and the flowers and visits; I've had so much love from everyone that I'm so touched. Everything happens for a reason, and it wasn't our time to become parents. 

Perhaps we will one day, but perhaps we won't - I have faith that He knows what it best for us, and I leave it in His hands.