Originally written here.
“If you don’t
want your husband to marry another woman,” the imam said, “then, reflect on the
hadith of the Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam. You should love for
your sister what you love for yourself.”
I turned off the
video and sipped my tea in the silence of the room. I had planned to watch the
prominent imam’s entire lecture on the subject of plural marriage in Islam, but
I couldn’t get past the first few minutes.
It wasn’t that I
disagreed with his point. After all, it is true. If Muslim women who are
already married think of a potential co-wife as a sister in Islam instead of a
potential rival, then sharing a husband wouldn’t be so difficult.
But is this
mental shift really as simple as people make it sound?
Is it even
realistic?
“What role do you
think women play in polygamy?”
I had just
arrived for a meeting at the home of a community leader and his wife when he
asked me this question.
The inquiry took
me off guard because it was unrelated to the subject of the meeting. He wasn’t
asking about the details of women’s role in a Muslim marriage (He already knew
that). He was asking what role they play in ensuring that a husband’s pursuit
of subsequent wife in plural marriage is successful and relatively uncomplicated.
“They don’t have
one,” I said.
I could tell he
hadn’t expected this response. Then again, I hadn’t either. But it was what I
honestly felt.
Brows furrowed,
he asked, “What do you mean?”
“She’s not the
one taking another wife—he is,” I said. “So the burden is on his shoulders, not
hers.”
“But don’t you
think women have some responsibility in making it work?”
“No, I don’t.”
The shocked
silence in the room made me realize I should clarify.
“I’m not saying
she has no accountability to her co-wife,” I explained. “The co-wife is her
sister in Islam, and she can’t violate her sister’s rights.”
I went on, “But
what I mean is, beyond her normal duties when her husband is married to only
her, her role doesn’t change when he marries someone else. But the husband’s
role does change because he chose polygamy.”
He nodded,
beginning to see my point.
“And when a man
marries another woman,” I told him, “he must understand that his first wife
will naturally be hurt and upset. But this comes with the package. And if he
can’t handle this natural hurt and upset without blaming his wife or asking her
to change, then he’s the one at fault. Women will be women,” I said with a
shrug. “And if a man doesn’t fully accept what that means in reality, then he’s
not ready for polygamy.”
“But If You
Fear…”
Though it has
been many years since I had this conversation with the community leader, my
views have not changed. If anything, they have become more resolute. And if
there were any advice I would give to Muslim leaders who wish to tackle this
topic with any success, it would be this: “Stop addressing women, and start
addressing men.”
Allah says,
“And if you fear
that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that
please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you
will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses.
That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].”—Al-Nisaa’, 4:3
The more I
reflect on this verse, the more I get a small glimpse into the infinite wisdom
in these words. Specifically, five points stand out to me:
- Allah is addressing only men in this verse.
- No advice or instructions are given to women regarding plural marriage.
- Allah is asking men to engage in careful introspection when determining whether or not to pursue polygamy.
- The last part of the verse clearly implies that marrying more than one woman results in increased responsibility (and thus accountability) as opposed to marrying only one woman.
- The last part also suggests that polygamy itself will be a challenge—so much so that Allah tells men outright that being married to only one increase the likelihood of the man being just to his wife.
No, I’m not
suggesting under the guise of naseehah (sincere religious
advice) that “one is best for you” while secretly hoping that no man
engages in this Sunnah.
Actually, in my
heart of hearts, I do hope that men (at least the ones responsible and
financially capable) find a way to make plural marriage work—with wives by
their side who are both fulfilled and pleased. Otherwise, there will be an
ever-growing list of single— never been married, widowed, and divorced—women
denied the joys and blessings of an Islamic marriage.
But what I am
saying is that whatever responsibility exists in making the Sunnah of polygamy
work rests almost entirely with the man, who must engage in careful
introspection, seeking advice, and making du’aa and Istikhaarah
when making this difficult decision and subsequently living with its naturally
challenging consequences.
It goes without
saying (or at least it should go without saying) that if a man’s
current wife doesn’t wish to be in polygamy, it is illogical to ask her to
shoulder the responsibility of making successful something that she neither
desires nor chose.
The real man is
the one whose good treatment, patience, and understanding will inspire even the
most reluctant and upset wife to stay with him—even as she may never like that
polygamy is part of her life.
In other words,
real men implement the Sunnah of being men.
Will You Share
Your Husband?
Time and time
again I speak to women who have helped their husbands find another wife,
supported their husband’s decision, or even made a habit of speaking or writing
about the beauty of this Sunnah. Some have even gone as far as to share their
home with a co-wife (something even I would not suggest or recommend).
Yet, despite
Muslim women having gone over and beyond the call of duty in trying to overcome
their natural dislike for sharing their husband (as a simple Google search on
polygamy will reveal), advice, lectures, and complaints by Muslim men on the
subject of polygamy continue to focus on the actions and thoughts of women. It
is always with the apparent goal of inspiring women to love the
arrangement and relish in its blessings by giving their husbands “no problems”
with the pursuit.
Ah… If only…
But the fact of
the matter is that Allah created women with a natural reluctance and dislike
for sharing their husbands.
When I speak to
women struggling in polygamy, one of my first pieces of advice is to accept
that polygamy is inherently difficult and painful for women. It’s not “supposed
to” be enjoyable or desired, I tell them—even though this natural difficulty
and pain does not preclude having a loving, fulfilling relationship with your
husband though he’s married to someone else.
Those women who
seek to “love polygamy” often live in psychological and emotional turmoil as
they deny themselves the right to hurt or even cry. They feel guilty for any
resentment or emotional outbursts, and their husbands, unfortunately, often
berate them for their struggles.
“This is the
Sunnah,” their husbands may say, “so if you don’t love it, you have weak emaan”—and,
tragically, the wives believe them.
Ultimately, many
of these women simply “break” and become so embittered and spiritually
traumatized that they blame Allah or Islam for their misery—when neither Allah
nor Islam asked them to “love polygamy” in the first place.
Be a man.
In my view, this
summarizes the essence of the only advice men should give (and receive)
regarding polygamy.
And, no, being a
man doesn’t mean diving into polygamy while completely disregarding the first
wife’s feelings. Sometimes, as we know from the famous story of Ali and Fatimah
(may Allah be pleased with them), it may actually mean not pursuing polygamy at
all.
“None of you
truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”— (Bukhari and Muslim)
Yes, women, like
all believers, can benefit from reminders for their souls, and these reminders
may or may not inspire them to accept polygamy in their lives.
Either way, women
should love for their sisters what they love for themselves—as should
men with their brothers.
But suggesting
that this means a woman should accept polygamy and love for another woman to
marry her husband is little different than suggesting that a man should accept
divorce and love for his unmarried friend to marry and enjoy his beloved wife.
So, dear imams,
let us ask men and women to focus on their own responsibilities and roles, not
someone else’s.
And by the mercy
of Allah, as a woman, polygamy is not one of mine.
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