Boyhood Dreams

I always wanted to be a boy when I was a kid. 

When I was a child, I remember mum saying how disappointed our grandfather was that none of me or my siblings were boys, and how my father had cried with disappointment when I, his firstborn, was born female. I remember mum saying that angrily, and I was thankful for that, because it left me with the impression that I had nothing to be ashamed of for my gender.

Nevertheless, I would strut like a boy, wear pants like a boy, go out and have adventures and play sports instead of wanting to play house or cook with dolls. I hated dresses and cut my hair short. It was almost as if I wanted to fill in those imaginary shoes that I was supposed to step in. 

It took time to reconcile the idea that one didn’t have to be a boy in order to embrace the traits that I had associated with being male – strength, courage and independence; and that I didn’t have to disassociate from my femininity to have those traits in myself. 

I am thankful that I always had strong female models around me, and that my parents never really tried to force any stereotypes on me, and it helped me discover myself in my own time.

It was an interesting thought, and one that I often pondered about – in a society that I viewed fairly progressive and modern, that some people still preferred boys over girls. It seemed like the type of archaic notions that still seemed more fitting for the 18th century or the Jahilliah days (notwithstanding China, for cultural reasons which I have just recently been told about). 

Interesting that the discovery it wasn’t too far from home. 

I hope dad has since then gotten over his disappointment that we were all born female, and I have to remember to embrace that gentleness that I used to reject in my bid for boyhood. And I have to remember that I still make my father proud, and that that disappointment is nothing but the past. 

“Whoever Allah has given two daughters and is kind towards them, will have them as a reason for him to be admitted into Paradise.” And: “Whoever Allaah has given three daughters and he perseveres through raising them, will have them as a shield for him from the Hellfire on the Day of Resurrection.”