All of Me

Do you know what it costs me to love you? 

My pride. All of it. 

I hate having my heart beat in my mouth, waiting for the moment your car turns the corner. The countless hours I've spent waiting for you just to make sure we don't miss out on our time together. 

For a moment of your smile. To have your arms around me and feel like it's just us against the world, even for this little while. 

I never knew if you understood, how difficult it was to open up my heart to the uncertainty that was us, the possibility that our differences would destroy any chance of a future. Your intensity and reserve made you difficult to love, but even more difficult to let go.

You're like a wall, impenetrable, only I get to see the chinks in the armour, and sometimes I get to see you when those walls are down. Rare times, but there are times when it happens and when it does I savour it, knowing how fleeting it will be.

For the first time in my life, I've left myself wide open, because I know that is the only way it will take for you to be able to love me, to let me into your life and your heart. For the first time in my life, I've left my ego at the door and made myself vulnerable for you to hurt. And you do sometimes, unintentional or not, you do.

I don't doubt your love. No one can deny the things you do not say, the emotion in your eyes and your face. It is the things you do not say that keep us together.

But it is the things that you do not say that will tear us apart.

It costs me my pride to be with you. But if this is the cost of learning you can love someone so much, so be it.