Addiction

I cannot speak for fear my voice will break.

Sometimes I wonder if it is cowardice that prevents me from telling you my fears, my emotions; how everything is so tightly coiled up inside in some semblance of control that I worry the moment that control snap, the dam will pour – those uncontrollable waves of anxiety and self doubt.

I thought I had it all thought out, so used to being naturally defensive that I didn’t realize you had slipped past my walls.

I wasn’t ready to share my heart, especially with someone who wasn’t ready to share his. I always thought out relationship was casual, that I couldn’t see a future beyond the next few months.

I couldn’t have anticipated the effect we had on each other.

I remember gaping in surprise as you chucked out the box of cigarettes from your car window when the smoke caused me to have an asthma attack. At the time I thought the box was empty, that it was just for show. That you were doing something in the heat of the moment.

That was before the crankiness and the cravings kicked in. The uncontrolled outbursts of frustration that I have to bear.

Somehow we ended up here.

With me, trying to keep you calm in your outburst of anger. Even in anger, you never raise your voice, but your anger still burns, like cold steel against my skin, and somehow is all the more painful.

You still struggle in this battle with your inner self to overcome the addictions that were once part of your life. I cannot comprehend addiction. I can only barely understand how difficult it is for you to attempt to give up your cigarettes – and for me no less.

At first I didn’t understand. I couldn’t imagine that you would stop smoking because you thought it was impacting on my health. I couldn’t comprehend that you were serious, and when I mentioned otherwise, your anger shocked me into silence.
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So now I must learn to speak again, despite being overwhelmed by the things I have realized.

You have gone down this path for me, and I must be there to support you.

Addiction is never easy, but I will hold your hand through it all.

I will be there.
And I will learn to understand.