The Strange Thump

It’s strange, this feeling in my chest. 

I haven’t felt it in awhile. 

Like that uncertain insecurity of high school, those raw feelings of inadequacy. 

One would have thought that the years would have provided me with a thick enough skin to brush off those moments of casual exclusion, but every single time, it still hits a nerve. It makes me question myself, despite my rational mind being able to provide adequate answers, and adequate excuses. Maybe it hurts because I myself am a person who rarely excludes others, and I find it difficult to accept it when plans are made, knowing that I will not be part of them. 

To what extent should friendship extend? 

Sometimes I wonder if it might hurt less to casually extract myself from the situation. 

If anyone would really notice if I backed away and excused myself. Life will go on, as it does, and plans will continue to be made without me in the equation, as it has in the past. Let weeks turn into months, let months turn into years. If I truly wanted to, it would be easy to disappear into blessed nothingness. No more feelings. No more hurting. No more inadequacy.