Aida Zabidi
I don’t know what you expected but I don’t think this was it.
I’m surprised, even at myself. I’ve never had this problem before. I’ve always been so secure in myself, I’ve always accepted myself for who I am and for who I’m able to be to my friends and loved ones, and that’s always translated into the degree of self confidence.
My jealousy was a shock.
My insecurity was even more of a shock to myself.
“Don’t miss me too much,” he murmured.
For the first time entering a relationship, I doubted myself, and what I had to offer. I doubted his feelings for me, and I wondered how he could love me, for all that I was. It felt like my feelings were one way, and the more I though about it, the more I convinced myself that it was a dream, and that our relationship was nothing more than one of convenience, and even as he held me in his arms, I did something I never thought I would do.
I pushed him away in my mind, and deliberately pushed myself away with my words.
“I know you won’t miss me when you leave.”
And I felt like I honestly believed those words, for what was he seeing in a person like me? How could he love me, twisted as I was?
He looked at me and smiled for a moment.
“How typical of you to say that.”
He studied my face, and then his smile faded.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
I couldn’t stop the tears running down my face. I didn’t realize I was broken, that the cracks were still there. I didn’t realize I was still fragile, and that my mind was still ravaged from the continuous assault on my emotions.
“I can’t read you… And I’m someone who needs to be told in order to believe.”
“I’m an open book. I’ve been told that I’m really easy to read.”
“You’re an enigma to me. I can’t read you. Perhaps… not quite yet.”
He hugged me then, held me so close I could hear his heart beat, I could hear his laboured breathing, that I could see the intense look in his eyes, and a part of me knew that his feelings for me were reflected in his gaze, but that insecure part of me pushed away that knowledge.
“You’re very special to me. I care for you a lot, and I don’t know what a relationship is supposed to be, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I care for you.” He paused awhile, and whispered to me. “You’ve always been interesting to me, I’ve found you interesting so many years now, but I never thought that we could be together. I always thought you were above me.”
“And yet here we are. I need to know. What do you want of me?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to ask of you. I don’t know what right I have to ask of you. What do want from me?”
“I want you. All of you.”
“You’re very smart,” his smile spread across his face, as tender as his hands stroking my face.
“No. Not at all.” I shook my head. “I’m just very honest. And that scares me. I’ve always given all of me in all my relationships. I can’t hold back… but with you, I’m afraid. And I don’t know if it’s because of everything that’s happened to me in my past, or if it’s in the fact that I’m not secure in your feelings for me – but I’m afraid. For the first time in my life, I’m afraid.”
“I’ve caused you too much pain. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you see in me.”
“How do I know who my heart chooses? I’m sorry too. You deserve someone whole, not someone as broken as I am. You deserve someone without all the issues that I carry with me.
“I know you have issues. But they’re yours, and they’re part of you, and isn’t that what it’s all about? Being there for each other, despite all the things that we go through?”
Dear God, what have I done right to deserve him?
“I’m going to miss you.” Silence. “Crybaby.” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yes. Yes I am. Why can’t I control myself with you?”
“Because you like me.” He hugged me again as I noticed the faint rays of sunlight outside the window.
“It’ll be okay.
It’ll be okay.
We’ll work through this.”
Like the faint rays of light, I can feel my dark thoughts lifting. And part of me responds to the things he says and I feel optimistic about opening my heart to someone new once more.
Thank you for that.
Thank you so much.
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