Revelation

There is nothing quite like breaking up to make you question yourself and all your values.

Scarred and cautious, I often wonder what it was about this relationship that made me so different, and so insecure. It was easy to lose track that this was a journey that was heading somewhere, and even easier to forget that I was the anchor that was stopping the boat from heading to its destination.

Sometimes in retrospect I don’t know what it was that made me so scared.

Maybe it was the fact that he was so confident, whereas I failed to be able to see the things in myself that he claimed to love. We were truly dysfunctional in the beginning, like newly met partners from two different parts of the world, and like any foray into a new thing,

But life goes on, like everything else, and like every experience, with every heartbreak, the sun would continue to shine and the flowers continue to bloom, and in time, the pain would turn into a stony dullness instead of the jagged edges.

I lived for a moment in that exhilaration that I had overcome that past fear, right before I died again in the realization that there was nothing I could do with that knowledge, at least not for now. There was a little bit of sadness knowing that the person who helped me overcome that mental block would not realize it at all.

Live on, live well – live a normal life, he said. I choose to dream instead, in this haziness of a sleep addled mind, and pray that the wounds will heal and we will both once again emerge whole and anew as we track through our individual journeys.