And So the Clock Ticks

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me.

My friends around me are happily settled and married, and the ones who aren't are longing to be in a relationship and move into marriage and children.

I find myself somewhat ambivalent about the idea.

I was never one of those girls who dreamt about their perfect wedding, who already had their colour schemes picked out - the ones who would swoon and gush about their friend's weddings and say, when it's my turn, I want to do things just like that!

I hate the idea of a wedding.

It gives me the chills.

Marriage is something I am truly undecided about. But a wedding? Shivers. If it ever happened I'm pretty sure I would hand over the reins to my mother and tell her to plan everything.

I am happy at the moment, happy to come back home to my family, in their comfort and support. I feel no need to move out, feel no pressure to leave. I am happiest in my room alone, not having to listen to another person, knowing that I am able to go out and chill with friends whenever I want company. Marriage feels like a burden that I am not ready to bear.

A lot of things have changed.

I used to want children.

Now, my sister talks about her pregnancy and I feel happy for her, but there's that part of me that is secretly relieved that it isn't me.

Where is this biological clock that everyone keeps talking about? I used to think that at this age I would be ready to pop out a litter, but at the moment it feels like I barely have enough energy for myself, much less a partner or a child.

Perhaps I am a reflection of the new world we live in - selfish.

Too selfish to be willing to put aside time for another person in my life.

Or just not ready.