Twenty Things

Let it be listed, twenty things you’ve always wanted to say, but never will. Let it be anonymous, let the recipients be known only to yourself. Never discuss it again.

This meme seems rather cathartic – like a cleansing. I believe one should never go to bed unhappy, and perhaps, an extension of that concept is letting go of the thoughts you cling to, the anger and fears especially. I suppose one could write lovely things that they do not have the courage to say, but then again, with all things lovely, one always hopes that they will eventually be able to say what lies in your hearts of hearts.

ONE Stop being so self-righteous – I miss you already. Half the time I don’t know if you’re still carrying on this vendetta or if you’re just purposefully busy. I already made my move, now it’s your turn.

TWO You’re better than you’re given credit for, more beautiful, more sane, more intelligent. You know you are. Now the world should know it.

THREE Butt out of my business already. Let it go. Let it go. I don’t want to waste a single thought on you. It’s just not worth my time. You’re the fly that’s buzzing around my ear.

FOUR Why didn’t I see you like this earlier?

FIVE The more I think about what you did, the more incredulous it seems. I’m having second thoughts about being okay with the situation, even though I already am, if only because it seems so surreal. I think you’ve scarred me. Maybe I’ll stay away.

SIX Maybe you like yo-yos after all. (Even if you do I’ll still be here for you.)

SEVEN Could anyone have been more inefficient than you?

EIGHT Go on. Push me over the edge. I think I’m tired of playing nice. Push me again and you’ll no longer exist. Zip. Who?

NINE You’re acting like a child. Grow up already.

TEN I’m sorry for the mess I made. Things got out of hand and I cannot apologize more for that. I suppose you’re supposed to learn from history, and I should, but I’m just sorry my mistakes had to involve you and your family.

ELEVEN You’re too cool for school. Where’s that lovely sensitive guy lurking underneath? I know you’re still there, and we’ve been trying to dig through the layers, but you have to help us too. Stop being a surgeon already, you’ve still got ten years to evolve into a wanker.

TWELVE I think one day you’re going to wreck your liver, and I’m genuinely worried. It was funny once, but I think the alcoholism has gotten out of hand, and no amount of that carefree I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude will convince me otherwise.

THIRTEEN Sometimes I question if you remember all the things that we’ve done together. I thought I was growing closer to you once. Now I doubt we’re even in the same social stratosphere. Friendship in your world, as it seems, is a one way street.

FOURTEEN I wonder if you’re as superficial as I think you are.

FIFTEEN You’re right, perhaps it was just an illusion. Perhaps we just see what we want to see.

SIXTEEN Who are you to judge me? At least I’m honest about who I am. I never pretended, but you, you and your attempts at subtleties just make me sick.

SEVENTEEN I wonder what would have happened if you never read what you did. Perhaps history would have been something entirely different. I always wonder about the what-ifs. Goodbye, what-ifs.

EIGHTEEN Did you think I was brave to say those words to you?

NINETEEN Grow a spine and face me like a man instead of hiding behind your self-imposed skirts. Do you think you can talk behind me back and I wouldn’t find out about it? Your idea of fun borders on insanity.

TWENTY He doesn’t like you, already. Can’t you see that? Either you’re delusional or you’re a little too innocent, and somehow, I draw the line at the suspected innocence. You’re not me.

****

I suppose I would never really say any of these. Words can’t be taken back, and it’s better to bite my tongue than wage a war, no matter how tempting it seems at times. I struggled to think of some of them, but if I’m only going to be doing this once I might as well relinquish my inner meanie.

Now: Chapter closed.