Journey

Reflection.

My mistakes, myself. My principles, skewed and strange. My friendships, trust broken, issues raised, questions unanswered, hurt caused, rallied around, surprise support.

So much happened that sometimes I look back and wonder how I coped with it all.

Some people question how I moved on so fast, how I can ignore the mistakes I’ve made. Only I can answer that, and I cannot explain to anyone else, because I don’t fully comprehend myself. Six, seven weeks is a long time in my world, and if I had to grieve and question and second guess everything that happened in those weeks I would be so confused I wouldn’t know where to start and where to stop.

I know my mistakes, and they were huge by any standards, much more my own. There are the what-if’s and why’s, and another round of me second guessing my own lapse in nature, but I’ve repented and put it behind me. My how’s and why’s are my own, and I’ve come to terms that my mistakes will haunt me again and again, for people never forget, especially my dear mother, and just as my sister suffered for so many years, I think karma will come full circle. But those are challenges that I must face, and I believe that God will not throw anything at me that I cannot handle, and it will change me, and the person I will become.

To the person who I kept hurting, unintentionally, I really am sorry.

Sorry for my ignorance, and my insensitivity, because I chose to view both of you as two different entities, and not take into consideration that your issues between the two were still not sorted out. Sorry because I assumed that things were okay, because it was the mask you showed me to spare my hurt, and you expected me to know otherwise, but I did not pick up your pain. Sorry because we differed so much on the crux of the issue, and I did not know, and made a choice to not become involved, but I never expected it would hurt you, never thought you would care, but it did and you did.

Selfishness.

My sister once accused me of the same thing.

Yes, it is a time for me to be as selfish as I can be, because it is the only way I can cope with things. I am focusing on myself, and a journey of self-improvement. It is only by finding that change within myself, to find that peace once again, that I can come to terms with everything and I think I’m getting to that point. I can lean on my faith, and I’m thankful for that, and for the people who have helped me through those times.

This is my reflection, for myself, because things always seem more logical put down in words, and it is almost like a promise for me.

One must understand pain to appreciate pleasure.

I think I finally have.

It was never a new start, but a struggle to get back to the point where I was happiest with myself, and respected myself still, and I have a long road to travel. But in the least I am on that road, and happier for it.

Recently I thought this would be the worst birthday in my life, with drama unfolding one after another, and my past sins coming back to haunt me despite my regret and wanting to put things behind me. Now I believe it will be the best, because these are reminders to me about my challenges, and it will build my character and reinforce the principles I once held so dearly, for I woke up this morning and realized that God works in mysterious ways but I am happier today than I was yesterday, and it is a journey of self-discovery.

And it is the best present I can give myself.