Miss Aida
Reflection.

My mistakes, myself. My principles, skewed and strange. My friendships, trust broken, issues raised, questions unanswered, hurt caused, rallied around, surprise support.

So much happened that sometimes I look back and wonder how I coped with it all.

Some people question how I moved on so fast, how I can ignore the mistakes I’ve made. Only I can answer that, and I cannot explain to anyone else, because I don’t fully comprehend myself. Six, seven weeks is a long time in my world, and if I had to grieve and question and second guess everything that happened in those weeks I would be so confused I wouldn’t know where to start and where to stop.

I know my mistakes, and they were huge by any standards, much more my own. There are the what-if’s and why’s, and another round of me second guessing my own lapse in nature, but I’ve repented and put it behind me. My how’s and why’s are my own, and I’ve come to terms that my mistakes will haunt me again and again, for people never forget, especially my dear mother, and just as my sister suffered for so many years, I think karma will come full circle. But those are challenges that I must face, and I believe that God will not throw anything at me that I cannot handle, and it will change me, and the person I will become.

To the person who I kept hurting, unintentionally, I really am sorry.

Sorry for my ignorance, and my insensitivity, because I chose to view both of you as two different entities, and not take into consideration that your issues between the two were still not sorted out. Sorry because I assumed that things were okay, because it was the mask you showed me to spare my hurt, and you expected me to know otherwise, but I did not pick up your pain. Sorry because we differed so much on the crux of the issue, and I did not know, and made a choice to not become involved, but I never expected it would hurt you, never thought you would care, but it did and you did.

Selfishness.

My sister once accused me of the same thing.

Yes, it is a time for me to be as selfish as I can be, because it is the only way I can cope with things. I am focusing on myself, and a journey of self-improvement. It is only by finding that change within myself, to find that peace once again, that I can come to terms with everything and I think I’m getting to that point. I can lean on my faith, and I’m thankful for that, and for the people who have helped me through those times.

This is my reflection, for myself, because things always seem more logical put down in words, and it is almost like a promise for me.

One must understand pain to appreciate pleasure.

I think I finally have.

It was never a new start, but a struggle to get back to the point where I was happiest with myself, and respected myself still, and I have a long road to travel. But in the least I am on that road, and happier for it.

Recently I thought this would be the worst birthday in my life, with drama unfolding one after another, and my past sins coming back to haunt me despite my regret and wanting to put things behind me. Now I believe it will be the best, because these are reminders to me about my challenges, and it will build my character and reinforce the principles I once held so dearly, for I woke up this morning and realized that God works in mysterious ways but I am happier today than I was yesterday, and it is a journey of self-discovery.

And it is the best present I can give myself.
9 Responses
  1. "One must understand pain to appreciate pleasure."

    true enough. (some) people told me I'm a confused soul and doesn't understand why sometimes I dwell on such pain, such sadness.

    they just don't understand the foundation of pain I guess.

    sometimes you allow yourself to be hurt so that you will appreciate pleasure much more.

    I'm a sucker for pain. I cut myself most of the time. I don't put handyplast, I just let it bleed and scar my body. Becos I know, next time, I'll look at those scar and smile becos I remembered the pain, the blood.


  2. NJB Says:

    well, something like the concept of "u cant have shadows without light," or "good cant exist without evil to compare to," perhaps?.

    or one will value something he or she had till he or she loses it. but it is really well put that we to understand (subject to depth) the negatives to appreciate the positives in life. we dont have to experience death to appreciate life - as extreme comparison heh. we just learn to understand how shitty it can be if it happens i suppose? fear is at times a good motivation heh

    and yeah to learn that u have become more mature is definitely a great gift for yourselves. but it doesnt mean that all of u melbenians there tak payah kasi hadiah oi.

    happy birthday then. i know its early but yeah happy becoming birthday then!


  3. A Married Man feels Malaysians are diverse...in their problems.

    Sigh


  4. dania Says:

    Happy Birthday (belated) first and foremost.

    I've been told many a times no pain, no gain. How much pain should one go through in order to know that is enough? We will never know, and until we take all those challenges as a reminder to be better for ourselves, till that day challenges will always be a good thing instead of something that could ruin you.

    In the end, challenges make you grow into a much matured, level headed person. There is always a silver lining to any not so good event that happens in our lives. It is our task to find out how and what it is.

    I always believe God wouldn't let us go through insanity if he knew we couldn't take it. We have options to turn the table around. When you have lemons, you make lemonade.

    I might not know the depth of your pain and I wish I could only to help you feel much lighter but you know yourself you will be ok eventually. It's the process that is painstaking.

    The mind is your most powerful tool. Able to control that and you're half way winning your battle. I think you already have that.

    Life is as colourful as we want it to be. Sigh.


  5. journey : strada : hijrah

    to a better place


  6. Laily Says:

    blesses birthday, aida. i don't have lengthy advices to offer, but i do hope all will be well and you will come out unscathed. it may not be easy, but like you've said in one of your entries, God wouldn't throw something your way if He knew you couldn't handle it. here's cheering you on :)


  7. Hope you do pull through..
    trust me..
    I know how it feels like... years put into it and now to see her in the arms of a much lesser man..

    does take a chunk out of u..

    i was wondering if u'd be free for a chat.. via mail of course..

    I'd do with some advice from someone who knows better... the email is liverpool_21@hotmail.com...

    only if u choose too ;p

    Shameer

    ps : my blog.. well.. it's been deleted already.


  8. Abby, as much as I appreciate pain, I don't think cutting actually helps. I know the pain is addictive, but I honestly don't think I'd condone other people doing that.

    Thanks everyone else, for the advice, the birthday wishes et cetera! :)

    And Shameer, I added you on MSN. I'm always open to talk. Hopefully you'll pull through the issues you have at the moment.


  9. Thanks for the add Aida but the sad thing is I'm unable to use MSN in campus. For some odd reason its been barred.

    Will catch ya when I'm back home.

    I truly appreciate it.

    Cheers,
    Shameer


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