The party was dying down, people finally moving into their little groups to chill and talk to the fading beat of the music. Dramas of the night unfolding as everyone crossed the line from tipsy to drunk, and reaching climaxes, but we were oblivious to it. We ended up in Tom's room, lying idly on the bed as we talked of things that had happened, and laughed with each other, oblivious to the ongoings around us. Almost like any other night we spent in each other's company, until our eyes met, and frission passed between us. A flashback of something that was once there, once discussed, and once agreed on.
Unbidden thoughts that sprang to my mind, and I smiled, and turned to glance at him, and my thoughts were reflected in his eyes. The silent exchange of glances, knowing he was thinking the exact same thing I was, and the silent exchange of smiles, suspecting that he too knew what was in my mind, but I could not be sure. The silence stretched out, until I could no longer take it.
"What are you thinking of right now?"
"Do you really want to know? One hundred percent no bullshit?"
He talked of a man who had feelings for a woman, but who did not know where things stood between them. Of an underlying, unresolved attraction between two individuals that was clouded by rational doubts. He talked of insecurities in relationships, of hypothetical situations and the unknown future. Of emotions running high, of jealousy, of love, of those strong emotions that both individuals had once promised to not pursue due to the complications involved.
"Are you talking of yourself?" I asked softly.
"Maybe."
Uncertain words, and there was confusion in his eyes, and questions in both of ours. Questions I did not know answers to. Questions I had run in my head countless times should this situation ever happen, and now it had, and I still had no answers.
There comes a time where every woman has to lay her heart on the line and that night was mine. So I laid my heart on the line. One hundred percent no bullshit.
"I don't know what will happen two months down the road. I don't know of the future, and I don't know if this will work out. I just don't want to be rational tonight. Can't we just let it happen? Can't we take it one day at a time?"
So I laid out my feelings, feeling as vunerable as a child, and yet, surprisingly unafraid of the consequences. How could I be afraid when I felt safe with him? How I could I be afraid when I felt like I could hand over my heart and know that he would treat it as gently as fragile porcelain? How could I be afraid of honesty, of an unspoken resolution that we both somehow already come to conclude?
"What if?" He questioned. "How do we know?"
"We don't," I murmured. "That's where we trust in God and Fate."
We were silent awhlile, then he laughed and I questioned, and our exchange led to more laughter and a heightened colour in my cheeks at his forwardness.
"You know I love you, right?" The words were scarcely out of my mouth before I realised what I just said and backpedalled as quickly as I had said them. "I mean, not 'love' love, but loving you like a friend. I mean, not exactly like a friend but… um…"
"Shut up." His words were harsh, but his eyes and his tone were gentle, and I smiled into his eyes as I listened to his heartbeat. For the first time in my life, ignoring the warning in my head and letting my heart decide, knowing the potential heartbreak would be acutely painful, and yet, feeling as if I was soaring high with those unknown winds, uncaring of the journey they would take me.
We were charting unknown territory, and that moment our eyes met, I knew we made our decision and I felt my heart fluttering in my chest. As nervous as a teenager.
"No matter what happens, we'll stay friends, right?"
I saw the look in his eyes. And I was comforted.
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