Conflicting Emotions

It's been approximately a week since I touched down unto my home soil and I've experienced a mixture of happiness, a sense of comfort and... homesickness. Homesickness for Melbourne, to be exact. It's strange. I spent so much time missing Malaysia and now I'm finally here I find myself missing my friends back in Melbourne. It's taking me longer to adjust than I expected it to.

I'm being torn apart, by the happiness I feel being home and the sadness I feel at leaving. Sometimes I wish that I had never gone to Melbourne in the first place, never made as good friends as I have there, never had all those experiences I did. Because now I know how it feels like to have loved and lost something dear to you, and I know it is not destined to be a part of my future.

It is too different, too difficult to comprehend otherwise. Circumstances and assimilation make things improbable. A longing that needs to be tamped down, should that little shred of hope flare up again when my future still hangs from a thread. Delicate, and uncertain. And when that little shred of hope does flare up, everytime it dies down, another part of me dies with it, until I become numb and unable to feel any longer. Frozen.

I wish things were different, but on the other hand, I don't; and now I'm being torn apart from the inside, wanting the best of both worlds and knowing I can't have what I want. And I still see their faces in my mind, that final image as the car pulled out of the driveway, those familiar faces imprinted and seared into my very soul, made all the more dear because of my helplessness and the way I feel.

Maybe part of the reason I'm finding it so hard to adjust is the fact that I've been sick. As much as I love the warm weather of Malaysia, it's making me sick. I've been wheezing from the frequent asthma attacks, puffy-faced from the dust in the air and sniffling from the flu. My nose is red, I feel as weak as a baby and being sick never brings out the best in my personality.

My laptop's currently out of commission as far as the Internet connection goes and I can't get used to sharing a computer again with my sisters. Just the fact that all my links are on my laptop and I'm used to that, just makes it a little less easy for me to be able to go to my favourite sites and the blogs I used to read and the programs I'm used to running in the background. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I had friends over this weekend for Eid, and it was great fun seeing everyone again. Once again, that sense of belonging, of familiarity, of being where I belong. Being able to go out and have mamak late at night and catching up with gossip with friends. Seeing my sisters and best friends and family again. I missed my sisters when I was away, and now I'm back to having those sisterly disagreements and going out with them, especially with Khairun, who has had to put up with so much shit in the past year I'm surprised she hasn't had a breakdown yet.

It's back to driving these crowded streets, especially with all the construction going around in my area, and navigating the once familiar roads, which I seem to have forgotten. Bits and pieces come back to me the more I drive, but I've only been back a week. after all. I'll get used to it again.

My grandmother's terminal with cancer, and I've had to sleep over the hospital a couple of times, and will be doing so, on and off. She's been taken of chemotherapy and the doctors say that there's nothing more they can really do for her. I don't grieve yet. She's still a feisty old lady, and she's lived so much longer than the doctors predicted she would. At least when her time comes, she'll no longer be in physical pain. Sleeping over the hospital was a painful experience, seeing her wasted away to a hull of her former self. And being woken up at 4 in the morning because she became delirious and ripped her IV line out of her arm amd had to be tied down by the nurses was painful in itself. Even more when she pleaded with me in her half-sane state to release her from the ties and I couldn't. So I stayed, silent in my support, and wishing there was something more I could do.

It's been slightly more than a week and I'm still conflicted. Everytime I receive a text from my friends back in Australia I can't help wishing I was there with them, but on the other hand, I don't. I like being home. I hate feeling like this.