The Aftermath of Malaysia's Marital Rape PSAs

The Public Service Announcement by All Women's Action Society and DAP assemblywoman of marital rape has sparked a whole debate which I had been following for awhile and I had generally found the responses mostly interesting.

However, I have to admit reading an article by Sairana Mohd Saad with a growing perturbedness. 

I feel her article ‘Sex on the Back of A Camel, Why Not?’ missed the whole point of the previous article she referenced from Syafiqah Othman. Her whole article not just failed to be constructive, but belittled any woman who has valid concerns about the issue of marital rape. 

One does not have to be married to make a decision about what is right or wrong about a marriage, and one does not have to associate concerns about how religion is interpreted with belittling religion! 

In my line of work, I have met women who have encountered domestic abuse, inclusive of marital rape. Domestic abuse is not uncommon in our society, and it is the disparaging attitude of individuals like Sairana that make it so difficult for victims like these women to come forward and seek help. 

It is sheer blindness to say that rape only happens with men who are in the right state of mind, ie drugged or drunk. Many abusive relationships are a continued power struggle by themselves without any additional intoxicants, and it is this increased need to educate women about their rights of their own bodies that will help curb these social ills. 

Islam is perfect, but do not forget that the world we live in is not, and the interpretation of laws of the Quran without taking into consideration at the overall picture of a fulfilling marriage between a man and a woman is damaging. 

The responses to the issue of marital rape is disturbing, from the defense of the issues from both males and females to the justification and denial of marital rape actually happening in our country. The issue emerging now is not new, and it is not uncommon.

There is a reason why it is important to discuss the issue of marital rape, as uncomfortable as it may be, but it is essential. There is a fine mental line for a Muslim women to cross when making a distinction to reporting abuse – in so many of the women I’ve spoken to, there is a genuine struggle in wondering if they have betrayed their husband by confiding these personal horrific details, and many times it is going against an ingrained ideal that they have deserved the abuse that was inflicted on themselves. 

Debate is essential, and is not being critical of Islam, but rather, understanding that the Quran is holistic and all encompassing, and not quoted one phrase at a time without a clear context. I would rather take Dr Maza’s interpretation of “Live with them (wives) in kindness” (Surah Al-Nisa: 19) and build on from there, rather than the now infamous hadith about sex on the back of a camel. 

At the end of the day, we debate all we can, but don’t forget that the words we speak will influence the minds of others, and it is the victims of these cases who suffer in the silence in the wake of those who choose not to see.

Abuse Against Women - Never Okay

In my line of work, I sometimes come across cases where women are abused, belittled, harassed – these injustices come in many shapes and formed. 

I remember the shock I had when a patient casually told me about being raped by her brother while I was asking her routine questions regarding her sexual history. It was not the first time that I’d heard of incestual rape from a patient, but what struck me was how numb she seemed by it – how she’d run away from home because her mother had turned a blind eye to her plight, to avoid the shame of a daughter who’d been raped. 

I have heard stories of men bragging about their wives, and how easy it is to dupe them and leave them in the dark, or use pregnancy as a means to keep their wives subdued. I have seen men who complain about the hours they toil at work to bring food to the table, but never once considered the same toils their wives at home in maintaining the household and children. 

I have friends who have suffered abuse and harassment at the hands of their lovers or their colleagues, who suffer in silence in shame because they believe that the world cannot hear them, and because they believe that in some part, they deserved those behaviours. I know of those who have tried to get help, only to have been told about the unlikelihood of any retribution for these actions, only to have their fellow colleagues brush off these same fears as an overreaction. 

We all know of these injustices. 

We all might know of other women who suffer through this. 

And what do we do? What can I do? 

There is no right answer. 

But averting your eyes to these problems is not an answer. 

It is not an answer to blind and deafen yourselves every time a colleague makes a lewd remark, or to see suspicious bruises and marks on the limbs of another person. It is not okay to pretend you are minding your own business and that you’d rather not get involved. It is not okay to pretend that bad things don’t happen. 

Our silence is our crime. 

In the very least, acknowledge these problems. The burdens that these women bear, day in day out – trapped in a cycle that for whatever reason, they cannot escape. 

You may not be the saviour, but each and every one of us can be a catalyst to change. 

You can be aware that violence against women is not okay, and that it is important to acknowledge it, and talk about it, and that there is help out there. 

You can spread this message to those who will hear you. You can educate your sons, your fathers, your boyfriends and male friends, about the fine lines we all tread in the realms of acceptable behaviour – and how to deal with that, together. 

You can learn to listen, and to acknowledge that there are problems within our society, these ills that lie below the surface and simmer quietly as we go on with our daily lives. 

We can keep our eyes open and listen, and perhaps, in this acknowledgement, there will be more who will gather the courage to come forward and seek help. 

This is our responsibility.